Several times I caught myself singing my soul to myself in class or in a hallway, just quietly. I assumed that only I could hear but caught a person or two looking with the wondering gaze, as if they have never heard anything like it before. I was doing this very thing during lunch when my friend asked me if I wished to speak to Mr. Jackson, the art teacher, today. She had showed him a sketch that I had done with pen and four kiddie crayons from a restaurant, and he had absolutely loved it. Being able to watch and listen to him talk about something that I truly love- art- was a great experience. The students all around were doing independent projects, some with music buds in their ear and some with none but still in a music listening state. They were all completely in their element, full of self presence, and lost in the moment. This was a beautiful thing for me to see, especially in school. I imagine myself being in this place for all three years to come, enjoying my self and being able to be completely in my element. There would be no greater gift than be able to both express myself and be in my self completely. The room was joyful, free.
Standing outside after school, I did not so much notice the people around me but instead enjoyed the air that was cool and crisp. The tree branches swayed just every so slightly. I felt as if I could see the grass begin to grow. The sky was that brilliant blue that can only come from pure, free, and clear days, the blue color that I am going to paint my window wall in my room. It was absolutely gorgeous outside. The drive home was beautiful as well, with that brilliant blue sky filling me all the way there.
My mom and I sat in the car for a while once we had gotten home, talking about many things, some simple and some important. We talk to each other often. Sometimes I think that we would have been better off as friends than as mother and daughter, but if she were my friend I would never be as close I am to her now. The blue sky still stood out above all, and green could be seen sprouting in the earth and the trees all around us. Spring is here.
I stepped into our living room knowing what I would do before we went to go and take care of the horses. I opened my laptop up and turned it on. The first thing that I saw when I had opened my desktop was the abstract painting I have in the center, a picture of Finale which switched to Cherish, a picture of Sarge, and a picture of something very simple but beautiful. The simple thing was something such as tree branches or tiny bells- something that most people would not take the time to see. I opened Google chrome and went directly to Amazon, already knowing that it had the book "The Horse Seeks Me" written by Klaus Hempfling. I looked for another 7 minutes for his book "What Horses Reveal" but did not find it. Instead of staying on the hunt, I postponed it and decided to go outside.
I tugged my boots on and ran through the muddy yard towards the barnyard, the barn, and the horses in the pasture. My mom was holding Sarge and Georgia just in front of the gate because Anna was being dropped off. She went up to let her in the house while I took Sarge and Georgia out to the barnyard. I crouched down and said, "Who wants to get the ball?" Sarge perked up his ears out like an airplane and titled his head to the right side. I then told him... "You will have to go through me!" He plopped his bottom down, looked straight ahead with a crease between his eyes as if he were troubled, looked back up at me, out past the gate, and up at me again. The crease vanished, and you could tell that he had come to his decision of what to do. He took his paw, placed it on my foot, and "mouphed". To understand what "mouphed" means, you must first know that my dog makes weird noises before he barks and will start out very quiet. The first step is a slight whine, the second is a louder wine, the third is a wine that turns into a "mouph" noise, the fourth is just the mouph, and the fifth is a mouph that turns into a bark. He rarely gets to the point of where he is barking as if he is demanding something. I laughed at his innocence and politeness and allowed them to pass- but just this once.
Playing with the dogs was a joy. Ruby and Sarge and Georgia all enjoyed the temperature (and so did I) and the beauty of the day. They were romping around and playing games with each other, all of which I was participating in. The more I played with the dogs, the more high energy I got, and the more I realized that I rarely get so excited and high energy when I am playing with the horses. Hmm... how interesting. Could it be that if I were more high energy and excited and playful about myself and the moment that the horse would be too? Most likely. Duh!
I bounced off to the pasture to try out my new theory with Cherish. She turned and walked up to me when I opened the gate, as did Finale. Hope lingered back a little bit, always preferring my mom to me. I did have to do a few backing and "out of my space" exercises before I was able to really do anything with either Cherish or Finale because they were crowding me. Once I got past that though, I was able to play with Cherish at Liberty... and before you know it, her ears are up, her eyes are bright, and she is asking me questions right and left and even rounding her back some... How interesting. Could it be?
I stroked her for a bit and then left to go play with Finale with the halter and 12' line and Carrot Stick. I am usually using the 22' line with her now but for some reason didn't today. At first, she looked as if she had no interest at all in me. She was looking away, bored out of her mind, with her "I can't believe you're making me do this" face on. I grinned at her widely and continued on. After only a few minutes she had a very soft expression and was following me around and moving off of my body language for the most part with just a bit of help from my fingers (one finger... two fingers... three fingers.... four fingers... is my porcupine game) and the palm of my hand/front of my arm very lightly (I only softly touch them with the palm of my hand or arm for the driving game). After a few minutes more, this is where we got:
I stepped up my pace more and more until we were both trotting exuberantly up the hill. One of her ears was forward and the other was turned towards me. Just to test her attention, I veered quickly to the left. She followed, quickly veering to the left. That one ear was always on me. While starting up the little hill, I decided to try something... After playing with turn on the forehand a bit, I was able to do this: Cock the left hip, bring the left shoulder slightly forward, and push my energy out to have her move her forehand and then cock the right hip, bring the right shoulder slightly forward, and push my energy out to have her move her hindquarters. Pretty soon we were doing something close to sideways with no fence, no help from the Carrot Stick, and no wiggling of the rope- straight line. This was her first time. Might I add that this was going sideways UP A HILL. How cool is that? After I asked her for a few steps each way, I asked her to come into me and she did very happily with her ears perked. We walked the rest of the way up the hill in tiny serpentines, stepping one leg almost over the opposite. (by crossing them, but not quite) After a bit more playing, I decided that it was about time I let her eat her grain and hoof supplements. Throughout this whole thing, I had been stroking her and telling her how good she was. Now was the time when she would really blow my mind. As we were trotting back, I experimented with my body position- tipping my upper body forward, keeping it centered, and tipping it backwards, then experimenting some with my crotch and my leg placement and my shoulder placement. What I ended up with, after a bit of experimentation, was two beautiful trots: a collected trot, with her neck and back rounded, and an extended collected trot, with her neck and back rounded and hindquarters being the power house with her legs moving out. Once we got closer to the gate, I let her have a rest by just slowing and enjoying myself and being with her. She rather enjoys both fast trots and slow walking.
I explained to my mom after playing with Finale about finding that one little defined line of self presence that you have to carry for every horse. Self presence is not only how you live in the moment, but really your state of self in the moment and a mix of your character, emotions, mental state (whether or not it is calm or flurried and scattered), and your self. Self presence is not who you are, but more how you present yourself to the world. The more open you are to the horse the more they will enjoy being with you, but at the same time you have to be softer for different horses and more of a leader for different horses, for some horses very independent and free and for others quite controlled, for some very hyper (never scattered hyper, a controlled and soft but high energy) and for others very very calm. For each horse, you have to find that fine line of where you need to be to have the most fun and most response and most respect and trust out of them. They will love being with you the more you love being with yourself and they will enjoy being with you the more you know how to speak their language, and the more you know how to speak to the individual horse. Speaking to them is definitely not just through body language- they are very intuitive creatures, so self presence and everything else inside of you is just as important.
After stroking and loving on Cherish for a bit while talking to my mom, we went for a walk together with our Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Ruby. The hill across from our house is actually called something like "The King's Mountain" or "Devil Mountain" or something along those lines. Well, we walked up that and I was feeling happy enough to run the last stretch of it. The top, as always, was absolutely beautiful- but especially because green was coming up everywhere. The horses ate their hay far below us and small cars passed every so often. We stood there for a bit, at the top, just enjoying the moment, before continuing on the pathway across the ridge. We came to another spot where the breeze was blowing in our faces, the sun was shining just perfectly on the world, the sky was its bright, bright blue and the whole world was just beautiful. We shared this for a moment before I began to talk about death- and how I hoped to die feeling that way. My mom agreed that that would be a good way to die, feeling in that way as we did on top of the hill with the breeze filling us and flowing around us. After a moment I began to talk about having loved ones die- and how so many people believe that some tomorrow in the distant future may be better, or that it will never get better. I began to talk about tomorrows, and how they continue to roll on towards you and never come because they have no definite time. They are forever tomorrow, but they never come. They are not logical. I talked about todays, and how so many people put off their lives for "another time" that never comes, and they look back so many years later only to realize that they have wasted so many years of their life waiting for it to become something better. And then I spoke of yesterdays, and how they are irrelevant to our todays other than they brought us to where we are now and how if we do not take care of today, we will then be looking at our yesterday in shame. I spoke of many things then- enjoying life and finding the time to do what you love and be who you are. Of being independent and loving the world, of growing up and of her being a mother and what she thought of it. There were many things that we spoke of, but I spoke more than she did. After our long talk, I went inside and sat with my dad, watching a crime show and spending time with him. I enjoy my time with him- you never know whether it will be quiet and restful or of important topics where loud voices are to be used at all times while you rant or debate. And finally, I went downstairs to see Anna and Kyle. I thought of many things while I sat at the table and did my World Geography project, but all things that brought peace of mind.
Goodnight world.
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