I had a dream today. A doctor told me that I had a disease which would cause me to become blind and have weak bones, so it would be too dangerous for me to ride or do any physical activities. I asked him what exactly he meant by that, in which he responded that I would never be able to ride a horse or "run around with them and do whatever funny stuff I do" again.

I spit in his face and told him that I would rather ride, be with, train, and play with horses and die than live without them. Then I left, because I figured he would try to justify himself with something he had learned in medical school.

I don't care what kind of degree you have, buddy. You don't stand in my way. Especially when you're standing in front of my horses.

Today.

I drove home from school very weary. By the time I got home, I couldn't help but go sit on the couch for a bit and watch whatever show that my little brother was watching. This was one of those moments where I wished my room was upstairs, simply for the sake of not having to come down to the basement and then get stuck there,  trying to rest on the couch with a lot of extra noise.

Finally, I decided to go outside to play with the horses. I had just watched a video of Ingela Larsson Smith, who seemed to have a few relevant theories. I did not completely like the way that her horses were - in the clips that I watched, it seemed that yes, her horses were very responsive... BUT they seemed to have eyes that were glazed over/souls that were distant. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she just has a really quiet gelding, but that's what it seemed like to me. I did like her theory that all you have to do in your mind is to picture something, to think something, and if you are connected to the horse, they will be able to understand and then transfer into action. I did not like the way that she did it - think it, think it... okay, it's been two point five seconds, tap with the whip. That could very well be part of the reason that her horse's eyes were glazed over. The other thing that she said that I had different points on was this: (Horses are family animals. You must think of yourself and the horse, when you are with them, as "we". There should be no me, my, I, or you. There should only be 'us' and 'we'.) Okay, I agree that horses are partially family animals, but they are also animals who bond specifically with one or two other beings at a time. This bond is very strong. They are also strong, independent individuals. I do agree that it is good to think, at first, that you are together but not that you are completely a single whole. I believe that the horse and the human both are such independent creatures that they cannot afford to lose their own individual personality. They thrive on this!

When I went out to play with the horses, I decided to try some of  this - using the pictures in the mind. I have done this before, for various things, usually for asking the horse's opinion on something or simply enjoying the moment with them or having a conversation. But I wasn't sure if I could actually ask them to do something through that. Sure enough, I could. Let me just say... it was amazing. But whenever I tapped when they didn't do it, my girls only left. Yep, I knew that I would not be doing that. But the pictures would help the training a lot, as would the understanding and the connection. I was giddy with excitement. It was like I was a five year old with the best and hottest new toy, and I had gotten it early instead of on Christmas day.

Out in the barnyard with Cherish, it was okay. Our play session wasn't terrible. She was fairly responsive. But all of the creativity and the pizazz was lost. I had meant to continue playing with her, I truly had, and then I was going to go and play with Finale... but seeing my mom walk off on Hope to have a trail ride was all too tempting. I went and grabbed the Finesse reins and my helmet anyway. I asked Cherish if she wanted to go for a trail ride, which she distinctly responded to as a negative. But I didn't listen. I mean, who was I, the crazy animal communicator? I wasn't even sure if that was real, that was probably just my False Self speaking to me, right? I could go for a silly little trail ride... Oh, sometimes I wonder at how foolish I can be. Why wouldn't I listen? Who knows.

Not that the trail ride was terrible. It was okay. She continued to dive for grass, and I continued to have to use heavier and heavier aids. She trotted off on me several times, and I noticed that my Fluidity was WAY off... But what was wrong? Just yesterday, I had taken a trail ride with Cherish, and we completely enjoyed it. I had used really subtle aids, we were almost in sync, she didn't go off on the wrong gait once, and I was in perfect tune with her movements. Why was today so different?

Well, I had asked for it. I hadn't really wanted to go on that trail ride, I just thought that I should. Cherish most definitely did not want to go on the trail ride, because I had already been having problems connecting with her in the barnyard, On Line. How was I going to do it while riding? I was distracted this time.

On the way back, I had begun to get really frustrated at both her, me, and everything else. It all seemed to be an annoyance. It was all an interruption of thoughts that weren't quite coming. Something needed to be said, in my mind, but I didn't know what. When we got close to home, I hopped off of Cherish. I put her in her stall for a minute. I was purely frustrated now, at everything. Nothing had worked. I was a failure. Why couldn't I just be light? Why had I gotten frustrated at Cherish?

So now you see, I was taking my frustration out with frustration. Never too great of a thing to do. What do I do when I have nothing else to do, and I know for a fact that I can't turn to the horses? I go write. And so I did. I went and wrote, in my notebook that I had left in the middle of the barnyard from my play session with Cherish earlier, everything that I was feeling, so that I could then get to logic. And I found it. It felt nice, to find it. Until... I saw my mom with Finale. Just a couple minutes earlier, she had yelled at me, impatient-like, "I thought you were going to get Finale out and play with her!" I was still planning on it, because I still wanted to play with her. She had taken her out, and was walking her away from the barnyard. I didn't know where she was now. The tears started to flow. I began to think... "My own mother doesn't believe in me. She doesn't believe that I will go through with, love, take care of, and play with my horses. She doesn't believe that I'll ever actually finish anything. She doesn't believe that I'll be able to home school. She doesn't believe that I'll ever complete a job or be successful. She doesn't believe that I'll ever complete a dream. She doesn't believe in me as a friend, a daughter, or a person." And so I went up to see Alderon, because I couldn't take it anymore. I was going to bury him now. (He was my baby rat that I had saved from my cat a few days ago. He died yesterday.)

When I got to his cage, I peered through the frame. He still laid there, tucked in under the blankets I had given him, cold and lifeless. My eyes seared in ager, my throat choked in the same burning fluid, and my heart raged. Why such an innocent creature would die for no reason was beyond me. I flung his cage door open, and knelt down to pick him up... Only to find that he was completely bloated. It shocked me, how filled with... something he was. It was either blood, from internal injuries, or I had given him too much milk. I wasn't sure. But I had failed. I practically tossed his body, in disgust, back into the cage. The feeling of his bloated stomach was still on my hands, ripping at my flesh and tearing at my insides. I couldn't take it anymore. I cried. I really just fell there... and cried.

It had been nice to find it. But the wall had not come tearing, crashing, pounding down until now. It came down hard, not upon me, but in my valley and voiced its destruction well. The cries of the shocked birds rang through the nearby forest. I couldn't believe this was happening. I wanted to get away. Away from myself. I knew now that it was me who didn't believe in myself. I didn't ask why, or how, or what, when, where, I just knew that that was that.

Once back in the barn aisle, I went over to Finale's stall. She breathed in my cry, and then pressed her head against the stall door. The bars tore at my heart, taunting me that they would keep her in and me out, two things that were bad. I still felt as if I could do nothing. But I knew that it was not the real me, it was something inside of me, poisoning my spirits. The door flung open before me. I stepped back proudly and slightly scared, as she just stared at me in shock. This had never happened before. She stayed in the barn aisle for a while before we left. And so the dance began.

I really cannot describe it, other than it was beautiful. She was at Liberty, in the barnyard, with all of the grass in the world. She did not exactly want to leave, but she did not want to have anything to do with me either. At first. Near the end, she was following me around with a really happy and eager expression on. I had only had to lightly tap her with the whip a few times. We had trotted together, stopped together, grazed together... And I had been the dominant one almost the whole time. I had gotten really light in my body language, and although it wasn't necessarily really subtle, it was light. I felt full of joy. This was more than anything I had ever been able to accomplish On Line before. I liked it far better - it was freeing for both of us.

And so, with that, I showed my False Self that there is no reason to scream at me over the fence. I showed the thing poisoning my good spirits that there is nothing to be worried about - that it can believe. I showed myself freedom, and I showed Finale joy of the dance. It really was quite amazing.

Ya Gotta Have the Balls

Some of you are probably reading this, chuckling, because yes, I am a teenage girl. This title and the basic content of this blog post popped into my head a few weeks ago, but I did not quite have the "right stuff" yet. Although it was definitely an idea in the making, it wasn't quite happening. I feel now that I am ready to write this blog post, but I do not really have a plan for where it is going. I know the general direction, but how it will really turn out sounding with all of the small details and general piecing of it could be a bit different.

Right now, this is so much like my life. I know that I need to dance with the horses, and I know the general direction of where I am going, but how it will really turn out with all of the small details and the general piecing of it could be different. I know where I need to go for right now - for the basis. I have known this, as I previously knew that my basis would be the above paragraph. But before, I did not know what would lead from that. I was so worried about finding out what would lead from that, directly afterwards, that I could not even begin to think about my life or about my feelings to put into it...

Right now, I write this sitting on my chair, watching my two beautiful girls out the window. They each have their own individual song - you can hear it if you try. They each have one word, a special word, that comes up most in their songs... Each word reminds me of how beautiful they are, inside and out, and of who they are.
--Finale's word is Soleil or Solaie. Soleil is French, for "sun" or "sunshine". To break it up into Latin roots, "sol" can mean sun/sunshine, alone, or comfort/soothe. In Japanese, "ai" means love. In Hebrew, "sol" means peace. The general meanings for this, in various languages, are all relatively the same.Cherish's word is Freija or Freya. After much searching, I have found that these two names are Greek and that they mean "beautiful woman" or "kind mother" or "kind friend". The more common meaning is "goddess of fertility". Instead of choosing to take that in the way that it was meant, (having a lot of foals, which she has) I choose to take it in that she has a beautiful heart and soul, like a fertile land would have beautiful earth and plants.To tell the truth, I had no idea what these words meant, and I had never even heard of them. Ironically enough, I often call Finale "sunshine" and Cherish "my beautiful girl", or "my friend". They are very dear to me.

My two girls have taught me many things, especially that I've gotta have the balls. What then, you're probably asking, do I have to have the balls for? They constantly remind me that I have to have the balls...

Ya gotta have the balls to let go. (this could, and should be, taken in many different ways)


You have to be able to let go of everything you have learned. I'm imagining this is your reaction, in your brain: "What does she mean by this? This is absurdity! Why would she say such a thing? I can't let go of everything I've learned - it's all I know!" Ah- and that is just the catch. It's all you know. What you have learned in the past often keeps you from learning anew... so we have to have the courage to be able to forget about, to unlearn, everything we have learned so that we may truly fly. If you've learned everything wrong, or if you've learned everything about how to walk, trust me, when you go to fly, you won't need it anyway.

You have to be able to let go of the past. So many people swim in the past, only the past - their brains are constantly there, wishing for this and that. I can guarantee you that if you were to try to go back, it would not feel as good, because not everything would be the same. You would become a miserable person, complaining here and there about everything that's different now. Your past does not make you who you are, it simply allows your mind to base its new thoughts off of something. Your past may help your brain to make your habits, but it does not make you. You were already there, the first day you were alive, and even before then - you have always been there. The consistency of your life cannot change who you truly are, it can only change your personality - your habits that you let others see. You are still somewhere in there, on the inside. Your past will only fool with your present, and make you think that you can or can't do something. Your past will fool with your learning, and fool with your journey, if you let it. I'm not saying it's bad to reflect on your past - but to live there is something different.

You have to be able to let go of that little world that so many of us keep so close. You know exactly what I'm talking about - that little place that you disappear to whenever you don't see the present fit enough for your full mental and emotional capacity. True, the little world is of great help when you are in a terrible situation, but so many people use it for practically everything. If you continue and continue to disappear to your little world, parts of you will become a permanent fixture there and it will be very hard to bring you fully out of it. The only way you will be able to truly and fully come out of it will be learning, over time, the different voices and lessons of the world. So, try to get out of that little world... The one that tears you down even though it's so comfortable. That's just the problem: we're all too comfortable there. We are way more comfortable there than we are in our own world, or at least that's what I find with most people that I talk to. Now this is not your own inner world - this is another world, a place between here and there, that completely tears apart your memory and your thought process, and separates and loses you. It's a very destructive little place, but it has taught you to be comfortable there, comfortable with going somewhere so destructive. You don't want to go there.

You have to be able to let go of your assumptions, of your previously set-in-stone thoughts, for nothing can be set in stone if you want to fly amongst the clouds, which are ever changing shape, weight, and consistency. A closed mind often comes with a very open mouth, but we want it to be just the opposite. The most intelligent people are those willing to have an open mind and an open and vivid imagination that is not chained by so called "reality". The reality is that anything we can imagine is most likely possible, but our beliefs stop us from getting these things accomplished. Now, in order to fly, we have to have something to carry us - so far. I wouldn't be surprised if one day, someone came up with something that allowed us to have a mild control on the gravitational forces closest to us, or on our own sphere and aura that surrounds us. I could get into energy circles that surround living creatures and everything of the like, but that's for a different blog entirely, or possibly even a book....

Basically, you have to be able to let go of everything that chains you down so that you can fly freely. You cannot fly with even one chain, with even one piece of you on the ground - anything that makes you heavy, that pulls you down, that forces you to stay down there. This is a metaphor of course, because in order to supposedly "fly" you have to be extremely grounded in that your actual energy force, your emotions, and everything have to "connect to the earth". Once again, most likely for a book.

Use your imagination - see what you can let go of in order to get where you want to be whether it be physically, emotionally, mentally, materialistically, or anything! Your mind sets the boundaries, or completely destroys them. You decide what you'll do with them... I have decided to let go of mine a long time ago. The only boundaries I have (or am conscious of, that is) are those for other people, not for myself.

Today.

As I was putting the halter on Finale, the gate happened to blow open. Cherish was trying to get out, but I stopped her by stepping in front of her with my leg. Moving back to try to put Finale's halter the rest of the way on, Cherish took one more step forward - and I stepped out again. Suddenly, I doubted that I could keep her there (as she was standing patiently and responsively)... and so, with that piece of doubt, she moved out of the pasture and into the barnyard.

I proceeded to take Finale and Hope into the barn, leaving Cherish to eat grass in the barnyard. She was quite nervous, trotting around from place to place, diving at the ground for grass, and repeating the process. I tried to walk straight up to her with the halter... but much to my dismay, she cantered away in frenzy.

I went back into the barn for a moment to stroke the girls' nostrils before stepping back out with Finale's halter. Cherish was nearby now, looking straight at me. I stopped, picked the halter up a bit, an then purposefully dropped it. As she was already nervous, when I did, she trotted off. I followed her slowly, without the halter. I closed my eyes, felt my toes connect to the earth. I began to talk to her. I explained to her that I could never catch her, that my legs were to short and I was too upright, that I was not meant to run. I told her that she was much too large and powerful for me to ever control. I told her that I never wanted to control her. I explained to her that she would not have to go in that stall if she did not want to, because I would not be able to stop her. She looked at me now, due to the fact that I had admitted that I was weak. I am always trying to seem so independent, so powerful... but now I admitted my weakness, my vulnerability. I told her that I was afraid sometimes, sometimes for reasons I did not know of. I told her that often times, I was afraid of failure. When I said this, she licked constantly. She stepped towards me, and continued to graze right next to me. I then told her that sometimes I feared that I would lose her, because she was special to me. I told her that I did not want to make her do anything, but that I enjoyed to be with her and that she brought a special part to me... And then I mustered up the courage to say the "L" word. This is a word that I rarely say with true depth to my voice, but this time, I admitted that I loved her. She looked at me extremely softly when I said this, and we stared into each other for a moment. As I was tearing up, I began to stroke her circle of energy... what I have begun to call "ambiance". The sadness, the emotions, were taken on very peacefully with her. As I walked away, I made sure to continue holding the emotions. When I got to Hope and Finale's stalls, I stroked their noses through the bars and let the rest of it out. They were very pleased to feel the purity of my sadness. It's funny, because before, I always reminded myself to be "emotionally balanced", and would try to be happy and calm all the time. The more I began to try, the more nervous and conflicted I became! This continued to make me furrow my brow, because I had no idea why it would backfire. Now I realize that "emotionally balanced" is not something that you try to achieve, it is simply letting the emotions be of the moment, be pure, and then go through your feet and into the ground just as peacefully.

When I walked back out, Cherish was standing in the same place, happily grazing. I walked up to her quietly, sat down next to her for a while longer, and then stood up. I stroked her back, her withers, and then her neck. She was very soft, and I gave her the picture, in question, of me putting my jacket around her neck and leading her quietly back to her warm stall where she had grain and water and hay. She moved towards me, put her neck in the position, and conveyed to me that that would be just fine. I put my jacket around her, and back towards the barn we went. I let her stop and eat grass peacefully several times along the way, just because we were in no hurry.

Today, Cherish has taught me that I must have humility in a graceful manner, that I must accept that I am vulnerable with my personal pride. Before today, this would be an extremely stupid thing to suggest of me due to the fact that I am a very proud, independent person... But she reminded me that in order to have the purest black, you must have the purest white, that in order to have the purest happiness, you must have the purest sadness, so why would it not work the same in this? To have the purest independence and inner power, you must be willing to have the purest humility and inner vulnerability.

Yesterday, I played with Finale quite openly. I adjusted my confidence, my leadership, and my body language as we went along - but by the end she was traveling in soft circles gently around me, at the most floating trot I had ever seen, rounded beautifully in her top line and curved around me. The rope was loose, with a large "U" shape in it. Oh how pleasant - lightness.

_________________________
Monday

I rounded the corner with my helmet on my head, purple halter and 22' string in hand. Something had told me that grabbing my helmet now was the right choice. Halfway down the line of the barn's side, I considered grabbing Finale instead of Cherish. I had originally wanted to ride, but no matter. The wind blew in my hair, the sky spotted with blue before me, and two little bay mares soaking in the whole experience of me walking towards them. I try to convey all of my current emotions - for those are typically the only I have - as I walk to them, to consciously present to them the painting of my being. For one small moment, I felt a twinge, and then the same ever clear pleasure and independence and strength that is now typical of me. I backtracked as I slowed my pace, and paused at that twinge. I spoke to myself, told myself to let it go, to let it show, and to let it be. Instantly, I was flooded with everything, coming across almost as an explanation to me. ...

"You feel trapped at school. Your eyes search for windows, for sky. Your heart searches for anything authentic. Your mind searches for something less frenzied, something clear and blue and cloudless. You feel pressured, you always have, by people [anyone who tells you you are wrong in your passion, your dreams, your heart, your "differences" of higher consciousness], by buildings they build, and by most things they construct or create. You see the gargling of their soul voices [which are fragmented and incomplete], of their smile voices [which are often not allowed to shine to their fullest], and of the complicated and haphazardly organized minds and thoughts. However, even though the stream you float down is not a smooth one nor is it devoid of rocks, waterfalls, low spots, tree branches, and snakes, you were not created to sit in a pond. You love challenges, love independence, love wild beauty. You will see and learn more than most of your peers. You have the free soul, the joyful soul, the quiet soul, the fighting soul, but most of all... the independent creator soul. You do not mind to be alone, for you are truly [part] of the world [versus just living on the world as so many people are], and the world is [part] of you."

That is the best I can describe what and how I felt. It was not a wound that had been opened, just something felt. Anything we feel is beautiful, is information, and can teach and heal more than you [or I] know. They are things humans take for granted.

I continued, not realizing my eyes were closed until now, to the horses. Tehy each sent out low, pleasant, and heart thriving nickers. I breathed it in the beauty of the sound. Trees restled, whispering a thousand wispers into one song. Finale and Cherish both thanked me, clearly, and Finale put her head to my ches. I told Cherish that she would be able to see me after - and so Finale glided quietly out the gate, with only the 22' Feather line looped and knotted loosely around her neck.

She walked just behind me, fully in sync. As I turned my head, she turned hers. As I angled my right hip to the outside and forward, she did the same. everywhere I went, she followed - independently in herself and working simply to be the heart friend. She and I were connected by something deeper, but we were not one - we were two individual beings with a keen closeness to one another. Almost one, but absolutely never to be confused.

And it was due to this connection, to this thing where neither was obviously leader due to both being so close in movement, mind, and soul, but where I knew I was ahead as did she, this thing of great forces yet of great awareness... that I knew I was ready to ride and she was ready to be ridden, but that neither had need or rush to.

The gate opened quietly, in which I felt a twinge, of her and of me. She told me, precisely, that she was not exactly sure what that was, and that she knew it would be different, and that she felt as I had when I first tried to reach myself to come close to her. Of how it was so far away, but so close she could almost smell it, and that all she had to do was fly. I stared at her for a moment, in slight disbelief, as she explained this to me so clearly that it might as well have been in words. It was not her precise way of telling me this, or even that she told me, but what she told me. That she had recognized and accounted for and fully felt what I had felt trying to start, trying to "jump and fly", and that she would ever feel the same thing but in a different situation... fully amazed me. I had thought that horses did not become unseated. She said then, softly, that riding, especially in the way that I wished, was different. She had admitted, without disappointment or embarassment, that she felt this. I told her it would be okay to walk in the arena, that she didn't have to be ridden today. Her hooves approached then. She and I entered the arena.

When I asked her to step over to the mounting block, her face became slightly sour, and she gave me pictures of a person riding her, another horse in front of her, pulling on the reins uncomfortably with an uncomfortable saddle and slanted off of their balance point. In return, I gave her a picture of me sitting on her, bareback, on my balance point, and with only the rope around her neck. The picture was pleasing to both of us, and, upon viewing it, our eyes softened and we both gave a light hearted sigh. Suddenly, I felt a bit of fear. I opened it and let my fear incline to its max. She stepped forward, putting her forehead to my chest. I softened my body immediately as we enjoyed being together. There was no recognition of the previous emotion, there was only the moment. The reason fear often comes along, for me, is not due to worrying that I will fail and flounder, but more that I will excel - and then become lost, or not know what to do, or where to turn, or realize than things aren't the way that I want them to be or something. I worry that I will excel and that it will be crushed. By something. Why? Because it is important to me that I do just that: dream and excel. She realized, accepted, and softened... I knew that only I could let it loose, and so I did. I let loose of all grasps on normality (normal reality) and decided to go for the authentic reality. As it held, being, it turned to softness. The moment lasted a bit longer before a distant noise interrupted us. It was alright - better to know and be aware than to not be.

Her look loosened as I stepped up to the stool. I stretched forward and stroked her. My leg lay over her back, and she tensed. I asked her if she wanted to stop. Knowing that I was respecting her, she loosened again, even further than before. I let myself slide fully onto her. She walked forward quickly for a moment, not sure what to do. I calmed, loosened, and conveyed to her that it would be okay to stand if she wanted. Almost instantly, we both readied in a very natural way and stopped softly. Oh, what a pleasing feeling. The rest of the ride went like this - beautiful turns, beautiful changes in speed, etc. Everything came natural - beautiful. Obviously, being our first ride, it did not seem so revised and perfect from the outside as it did to be, but it was beautiful nonetheless.

When it came time to get off - for some reason I always know when it is time to stop and amble away - we were both calm, content, and radiating joy. I enjoyed every moment of it, and let her know. My hand stroked softly down her neck just before I hopped off and towards the ground. My feet landed softly, lightly. She turned her face to me and snuffled happily before we walked, together, out of the arena, her line on the ground yet with her following me independently, not out of discipline or knowledge that she should, but out of choice, and out of friendship. As I plopped down in the grass next to her while she ate, I noticed the feeling of the grass tickling my hands, then my arms as I lay flat on my belly across the earth. She stood next to me, careful that she didn't step on me, and ate with her face close to mine. Closeness. Serene closeness.

I went to go get Cherish, to let her out of the pasture as well. Both Hope and Finale were happily attacking the lush grass in the barnyard. I flung the gate open wide and offered her the halter. Even though she could have easily walked right past me, she gracefully and gently put her head in the halter. I tied the knot before stroking her neck and then her face, then motioned for her to come with me if she wished. The joy of her walking, and then trotting, toward the other horses alongside me was filling. I turned to the left gradually, and so she followed. When I leaned on my fore, slowed with control, and then finally became low enough to grab a chunk of grass, she did the same. I smiled at her, "turned off" the leadership and energetically ambled off. Oxymoron, I know, but true and accurate.

As I sat on the picnic table in front of the barn, I could hear the snuffling noises of the horses and the slow, calm breathing that they embraced fully and lightly. It was a joy to reflect while writing all of this in my notebook, but as I was reflecting I also made new. I felt the drop in temperature, the rise in humidity, and the graying sky as the storm came nearer. Tails were swished casually, noses were blown out, and water was played with from within the barn. Wind swept across the valley and right up my spine, then warmly down my front. I now stretched across the picnic bench, on my stomach, contentedly while my pencil casually scratched across the page.

As I left, I thanked, and sent love, to the girls. I could feel the calm, paused respect, recognition, and then acceptance. It was as if they nodded and then listened closely to feel my footsteps, creating distance. I smiled peacefully to myself. Not magic. More real than anything. Simple and real.


Note: I do not claim to be an "animal psychic" or anything of the like. I have simply developed my ability of intuitive, emotional, and sensory communication, something that is just as real as speaking or using basic body language. Many people do not realize how sensitive they are or can be, and how sensitive animals or others are or can be as well.

The Walk

We walked quietly and together, to the path and of the path. We were of each other and of the earth, but mostly of ourselves in that we had a connection with everything else. The path did not fold out before us, it simply was there and we were also there. There was more joy in "to be" rather than to search for.

I stopped quietly, once again, to let her graze. This time I lightly and quietly stooped down, sure of my surroundings in that I could easily see down the hill to my right, up the hill clearly to my left, down the hill in front of me, and even up the hill behind me due to the way I was angled. I kept very aware of everything, and even found myself able to hear the beat of the bug's wings near me. She sighed quietly and contentedly, as did I, at the same time - coincidentally? I was not sure, but did not care to bother the moment with logic. There is a time for everything, and this was the time to be. The sun shone brightly and consistently, the blue sky clear and easily joyful. The green grass and clover shone green, emerald in its purity. She paused and raised her head to look at me, signifying the understanding and realizing that I see the world now as she does. I swear, she could have smiled - smiled at me.

When I raised myself, she did as well. We walked the rest of the way up the hill in great silence, but great clarity - the rope touched the ground, and she walked briskly and loosely behind me with her ears up. She was focused on what I was focused on: the two people approaching ahead of us, my mother and Anna, and my beloved Sarge. I smiled at them from the inside, and so she did as well. We may as well have not had that rope - it was not being employed in any way.

As we made it back down the hill, there were times when she would stop to graze or pause to look around. Often times, it was when I found myself pausing in the moment. To get her to catch up, I would take a skip with one side of my body and she would trot energetically up to me, then follow softly at my side. Oh, how good of a feeling.

Yesterday, I went for a walk with Cherish, Anna, and my mom. I really began to get my body language correctly, everything internal correctly - and she was so happy! Due to the fact that I'm editing the clinic photos right now, I can't really go any further into the subject, but I am finally starting to feel free in my chest and upper body and grounded in my lower abdomen CONSISTENTLY.

Possibly more later, but if not, photographs will definitely come.

So many people know "where they want to be" when truly, the best place for now is right here. I have heard so many people say "I wish I was at that point" or "I'm not where I want to be"... and even I have been guilty of the second one, but it's usually coupled with "...but I know that I will get there in time." Time, though, is something that can be very manipulating. It can get you in its grasp and show you another day, a better day, that you would rather be in. It tells you, it beckons you to be there... but it will not allow it. It can drive some people insane. I have heard that "The lack of time can make you go insane" but I believe that the addition of time to our lives has made some people go insane, and then to take it away again makes them even more crazy because they have become so dependent on it.

It's great to know your dreams, and things that you would like to accomplish because then you know that you are going somewhere. You feel as if you have a purpose. But there is a greater purpose - it is the moment that we live in. So many people try to figure out why things happen when all they have to do is live in the moment in which things happen. Living in the moment is truly one of the greatest feelings that a person can have - we were meant to live in the moment. If we were meant to live in a tomorrow, we would - but we only truly live in today. When somebody says "What would you do if you only had a week left to live?" my answer is that I have an infinite amount of options to do whatever I want in each moment until I die. We were not made to live for an infinite amount of time - if we did, we would miss out on so many lessons, so many things learned. I have a theory that the moment you knew everything, you would die. Why? Because people are meant to learn. It does not matter whether or not you share the lessons that you learn - that makes you no greater or lesser a person whether you do or not. It matters how you live, how you learn, how your individual self an life fold out and how you respond to all of it.

It's not a trick question: Do you know time?