Today.

I drove home from school very weary. By the time I got home, I couldn't help but go sit on the couch for a bit and watch whatever show that my little brother was watching. This was one of those moments where I wished my room was upstairs, simply for the sake of not having to come down to the basement and then get stuck there,  trying to rest on the couch with a lot of extra noise.

Finally, I decided to go outside to play with the horses. I had just watched a video of Ingela Larsson Smith, who seemed to have a few relevant theories. I did not completely like the way that her horses were - in the clips that I watched, it seemed that yes, her horses were very responsive... BUT they seemed to have eyes that were glazed over/souls that were distant. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she just has a really quiet gelding, but that's what it seemed like to me. I did like her theory that all you have to do in your mind is to picture something, to think something, and if you are connected to the horse, they will be able to understand and then transfer into action. I did not like the way that she did it - think it, think it... okay, it's been two point five seconds, tap with the whip. That could very well be part of the reason that her horse's eyes were glazed over. The other thing that she said that I had different points on was this: (Horses are family animals. You must think of yourself and the horse, when you are with them, as "we". There should be no me, my, I, or you. There should only be 'us' and 'we'.) Okay, I agree that horses are partially family animals, but they are also animals who bond specifically with one or two other beings at a time. This bond is very strong. They are also strong, independent individuals. I do agree that it is good to think, at first, that you are together but not that you are completely a single whole. I believe that the horse and the human both are such independent creatures that they cannot afford to lose their own individual personality. They thrive on this!

When I went out to play with the horses, I decided to try some of  this - using the pictures in the mind. I have done this before, for various things, usually for asking the horse's opinion on something or simply enjoying the moment with them or having a conversation. But I wasn't sure if I could actually ask them to do something through that. Sure enough, I could. Let me just say... it was amazing. But whenever I tapped when they didn't do it, my girls only left. Yep, I knew that I would not be doing that. But the pictures would help the training a lot, as would the understanding and the connection. I was giddy with excitement. It was like I was a five year old with the best and hottest new toy, and I had gotten it early instead of on Christmas day.

Out in the barnyard with Cherish, it was okay. Our play session wasn't terrible. She was fairly responsive. But all of the creativity and the pizazz was lost. I had meant to continue playing with her, I truly had, and then I was going to go and play with Finale... but seeing my mom walk off on Hope to have a trail ride was all too tempting. I went and grabbed the Finesse reins and my helmet anyway. I asked Cherish if she wanted to go for a trail ride, which she distinctly responded to as a negative. But I didn't listen. I mean, who was I, the crazy animal communicator? I wasn't even sure if that was real, that was probably just my False Self speaking to me, right? I could go for a silly little trail ride... Oh, sometimes I wonder at how foolish I can be. Why wouldn't I listen? Who knows.

Not that the trail ride was terrible. It was okay. She continued to dive for grass, and I continued to have to use heavier and heavier aids. She trotted off on me several times, and I noticed that my Fluidity was WAY off... But what was wrong? Just yesterday, I had taken a trail ride with Cherish, and we completely enjoyed it. I had used really subtle aids, we were almost in sync, she didn't go off on the wrong gait once, and I was in perfect tune with her movements. Why was today so different?

Well, I had asked for it. I hadn't really wanted to go on that trail ride, I just thought that I should. Cherish most definitely did not want to go on the trail ride, because I had already been having problems connecting with her in the barnyard, On Line. How was I going to do it while riding? I was distracted this time.

On the way back, I had begun to get really frustrated at both her, me, and everything else. It all seemed to be an annoyance. It was all an interruption of thoughts that weren't quite coming. Something needed to be said, in my mind, but I didn't know what. When we got close to home, I hopped off of Cherish. I put her in her stall for a minute. I was purely frustrated now, at everything. Nothing had worked. I was a failure. Why couldn't I just be light? Why had I gotten frustrated at Cherish?

So now you see, I was taking my frustration out with frustration. Never too great of a thing to do. What do I do when I have nothing else to do, and I know for a fact that I can't turn to the horses? I go write. And so I did. I went and wrote, in my notebook that I had left in the middle of the barnyard from my play session with Cherish earlier, everything that I was feeling, so that I could then get to logic. And I found it. It felt nice, to find it. Until... I saw my mom with Finale. Just a couple minutes earlier, she had yelled at me, impatient-like, "I thought you were going to get Finale out and play with her!" I was still planning on it, because I still wanted to play with her. She had taken her out, and was walking her away from the barnyard. I didn't know where she was now. The tears started to flow. I began to think... "My own mother doesn't believe in me. She doesn't believe that I will go through with, love, take care of, and play with my horses. She doesn't believe that I'll ever actually finish anything. She doesn't believe that I'll be able to home school. She doesn't believe that I'll ever complete a job or be successful. She doesn't believe that I'll ever complete a dream. She doesn't believe in me as a friend, a daughter, or a person." And so I went up to see Alderon, because I couldn't take it anymore. I was going to bury him now. (He was my baby rat that I had saved from my cat a few days ago. He died yesterday.)

When I got to his cage, I peered through the frame. He still laid there, tucked in under the blankets I had given him, cold and lifeless. My eyes seared in ager, my throat choked in the same burning fluid, and my heart raged. Why such an innocent creature would die for no reason was beyond me. I flung his cage door open, and knelt down to pick him up... Only to find that he was completely bloated. It shocked me, how filled with... something he was. It was either blood, from internal injuries, or I had given him too much milk. I wasn't sure. But I had failed. I practically tossed his body, in disgust, back into the cage. The feeling of his bloated stomach was still on my hands, ripping at my flesh and tearing at my insides. I couldn't take it anymore. I cried. I really just fell there... and cried.

It had been nice to find it. But the wall had not come tearing, crashing, pounding down until now. It came down hard, not upon me, but in my valley and voiced its destruction well. The cries of the shocked birds rang through the nearby forest. I couldn't believe this was happening. I wanted to get away. Away from myself. I knew now that it was me who didn't believe in myself. I didn't ask why, or how, or what, when, where, I just knew that that was that.

Once back in the barn aisle, I went over to Finale's stall. She breathed in my cry, and then pressed her head against the stall door. The bars tore at my heart, taunting me that they would keep her in and me out, two things that were bad. I still felt as if I could do nothing. But I knew that it was not the real me, it was something inside of me, poisoning my spirits. The door flung open before me. I stepped back proudly and slightly scared, as she just stared at me in shock. This had never happened before. She stayed in the barn aisle for a while before we left. And so the dance began.

I really cannot describe it, other than it was beautiful. She was at Liberty, in the barnyard, with all of the grass in the world. She did not exactly want to leave, but she did not want to have anything to do with me either. At first. Near the end, she was following me around with a really happy and eager expression on. I had only had to lightly tap her with the whip a few times. We had trotted together, stopped together, grazed together... And I had been the dominant one almost the whole time. I had gotten really light in my body language, and although it wasn't necessarily really subtle, it was light. I felt full of joy. This was more than anything I had ever been able to accomplish On Line before. I liked it far better - it was freeing for both of us.

And so, with that, I showed my False Self that there is no reason to scream at me over the fence. I showed the thing poisoning my good spirits that there is nothing to be worried about - that it can believe. I showed myself freedom, and I showed Finale joy of the dance. It really was quite amazing.