I was walking past Cherish's stall, leading Finale, when it hit me: I wasn't thinking about my feelings anymore, so I had gotten less nervous. (I didn't know why before, but lately I've been regaining the habit of feeling nervousness) I have been thinking so consciously about my emotions lately hoping that the effect would be better consciousness of emotions. I already had great control and conscious awareness of my emotions, but I wished to better it- so I tried to force it.. Silly me, nothing ever works when it's forced, in fact, it tends to go in the opposite direction: down hill. The more I thought over things, the more I realized... holy cow, I'm not nervous AT ALL anymore. Which got me thinking back to the MBTI characteristics, on thinking and feeling. I had thought previously that I was more of thinking character, but was not absolutely positive so decided to abandon the whole mission. Whenever I think, it seems that whatever negative (if any) that I am thinking goes away. Lately the only negative thing left has been simply this: my nervousness. But the thing is, the habit of having nervous feelings is never just "nervous feelings", it is always caused by SOMETHING. I began to argue and debate with myself (as I often do) over whether or not I was feeling or thinking because I tend to be very in tune to the world around me, so how could I be that and be a thinker, who are typically NOT very in with the world... I'm mean, I'm so intuitive... and that's when it hit me. Intuitive. It's not feeling, it's intuitive nature, which is really not feeling at all. This would completely explain my in tune-ness to the world, my accurate feelings would be explained by closeness to self, etc etc. My feelings have become so clear recently, but only recently. Before then they were always a mix. My thinking side always brings me back to calm and sure - logic is so much more constant than emotions, which tend to be QUITE overwhelming if you do not know yourself and are a thinking person. Trust me, I have been in this situation before. I already know that I am absolutely an introvert, and that I am absolutely perceptive, so therefore I am what I first had the hunch of: an INTP.... but a very different one at that, because even though I have always been able to "figure things out" for me, or other people have, I have never really fit in a specific category because I have always been so much deeper than my peers and more close to myself and the world than most people. And right at this moment, as I was so deep inside of my thoughts, Finale ran up behind me pinning her ears, challenging my dominance, and in pure frustration at the interruption to my wonderful thought string, I turned halfway around and popped her in the nose. It was quick and sharp. I felt no disappointment at first, because I have gotten myself to the point of where I do not bring up random emotions while with the horses. She looked hurt. She looked confused. I rubbed the spot where I had popped her, but she did not want me to. She wanted no part of me. I have not lashed out at a horse for a couple years. And all of a sudden, for no reason at all, I did. But there was a reason. I just could not think about it until I apologized to her and let her out in the pasture.
I have been so pressuring myself to change, so pressuring myself to become softer, so pressuring myself to becoming closer and closer to myself so quickly, ( I have come closer to myself quickly before, but only on my own time, not on the world's time and the time that the thinking side of my mind demands I do it on) so pressuring myself to be more sensitive with my body language, so pressuring myself to be practically perfect.
With that final word of that paragraph, I have just shocked myself. For this was something that I did not even realize. I did not realize that I was forcing myself to be perfect. Because it is everything that I "preach" against. With that said, we may continue. Or I may continue. I may continue writing. And you may continue reading. If you wish, of course.
Even though most of the time people have blames for their horses, I was blaming absolutely everything on myself. To tell the truth- you should not blame at all. "To err is human, to blame is even more human." Ahh, but here they have missed a very essential word: unconscious. To err is of the unconscious human, to blame is even more the unconscious human. It is true, because a conscious human who is close to their self and lives realistically will not have either of these problems, or it will be even more scarce. Have I just admitted that I was an unconscious human? No, not really. I do not see things so black and white. I do believe, truly and fully, that I am a human on the road to higher consciousness.... but I am not quite there yet. I am on the road there. Now, some would tell me that I am "eating humble pie" but truly, I am not. Neither am I stuffing my face with medication that fills your head with crap, making you think that you are wonderful. But... nonetheless, I have been blaming myself. And I will make a conscious effort not to blame myself any longer, but to accept the day as it is and enjoy it as it is, even if it is not everything I had hoped. Because the more you accept and enjoy the day as it is, the less you spend expecting tomorrow to be something. Truly, tomorrows are nothing, because they never come. Have you ever heard somebody say that tomorrow they really enjoyed their coffee? No! Because tomorrows are never lived in, only todays.
So, here are my hopes for myself:
- That I will stop thinking about my emotions so much, and more feeling them without really worrying over whether or not they're perfect.
- That I will stop expecting myself to be perfect
- That I will stop blaming myself
- That I will let myself come closer to myself as it happens, not as I want it to
- That I will stop thinking and worrying so much over how far I have gotten with my horses, and more just enjoying the moment, as I did before hand.
- That I will let myself do things as I feel them done: that I will embrace spontaneity while playing and meditating with the horses so that things can happen exactly as they need to.
- That I will be as soft and sensitive as I hope to be in my body language.
But I am not limiting myself to, or forcing myself to, do any of these things. These are simply things that I hope for. And hopes are not at all "bad" as some people think them. They are real, without putting a time frame on anything.
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