I believe.

• I believe that your self, self presence, mental & emotional clarity (or lack thereof), energy, character, and personality affect the same in your horse.
• I believe that your physical flexibility, strength, and positive actions or physical stiffness, weakness, and negative actions affect the horse.
• I believe, at the same time,t hat the horse does not poorly or unfairly judge those who have physical disabilities or simply cannot after a point. They love, they accept, they forgive faults. There are some horses who are not this way - but the majority of them are not picky, as long as you are kind and respect them.
• I believe that 100% varies upon the individual. I believe that 100% can grow or deplete in size, but that you should always try to be your 100%.
• I believe that horses love to hear your song.
• I believe that to dance with a horse is a great gift of ultimate trust, leadership, communication, and deeply woven friendship. I believe that the way of the dance is molded by the horse and you.
• I believe that adventures with the horse, no matter what you do along the way, are the best. It is most natural for both - movement. Both the horse and I love to go, love to amble, love to stop along the way.
• I believe that ropes should not be used for control, but for support, and that they should always be kind. I believe that they should not be taken off until the person holds that confidence and the belief of ability to do without.
• I believe that we should try our hardest.
• I believe that you should do things not by any one person, but by you.
• I believe that horses love and relish in individuality.
• I believe that although circles can be useful, they should not be incorporated until the horse and you have reached acceptance, understanding, and good communication.
• I believe that Liberty is just as important as doing this with a line, but that you should only go as far as you think you can. Once you think you can't, it's over.
• I believe that body language, especially when refined, makes a huge difference.
• I believe that lightness with the horse is first achieved with lightness in yourself, then with light actions in the care stages and basic things on the ground, then with the dance, then in the saddle.
• I believe that the horse does not and will not benefit from muscle building/flexing exercises unless they are ready in mind, energy, attitude, attentiveness, and feeling.
• I believe that the horse will tell you when and when not they are ready.
• I believe that you should never have a fight with a horse, because they do not wish to, and fighting with the noblest of creatures is detrimental to you and your relationship with your horse.
• I believe that although we may not get it today, someday we will get to all of those wonderful dreams... as long as we are headed in the right direction and are making steps on the path. I believe that all dreams come true in the journey, but not by actually reaching the goal, by living the moments.
• I believe that you and your horse are the greatest teachers for you and your horse.
• I believe that good sleep effects everything.
• I believe that the saddle should fit the moving horse so it does not restrict or cause pain to him.
• I believe that before you ride, you should be able to dance with confidence and trust for both horse and human and respectable dominance from the human.
• I believe that the only time you should ever hit or elbow a horse is when they are coming quickly and seriously into your space and on top of you. The hit or elbow should be direct and solid. If you are able to, you should rub it away and stroke the horse in that spot afterwards. You should never be angry or tense when you do this, but calm and sure. If you can do anything to prevent having to go that far - please do so, because we do not *want* to hit the horse, just if you absolutely have to.
• I believe that the horse should be able to object or have conversation with you, and that you should never block its head if it is trying to move away from your touch or guidance.
• I believe that time should be irrelevant when you are with the horse.
• I believe that softness should be both physical and internal.
• I believe that you should try new things, but never at the cost of your horse.
• I believe that when riding, reins should be barely used and even if a bit is used, it should be barely applied.
• I believe that cordeos and liberty can be very freeing, but only if it is done right and the horse and person are both calm and sure.
• I believe that cookies should be used correctly and in measure and that you should only give your horse cookies if you absolutely know that you have complete respectable dominance over them.
• I believe that respectable and true and full dominance can never be achieved by using tie downs or the popular version of lungeing or discipline or demand or obediance or whips used wrongly. Anything used the right way is okay - but things that restrict the horse, that prohibit the horse, that discipline the horse, that tell the horse he is wrong, that tell the horse he is bad, that "show him who's boss", etc... are not. I believe that tight reins are a sin and that a horse's flat ears are your own fault. I believe that if you're constantly falling off, you shouldn't be riding. I believe that you cause all problems. I believe that kicking never works, that spurs are bad, that harsh bits do no good. I believe that many riders should be pulled off of their horses, spurred in the sides, whipped on their hindquarters, and bloodied in the mouth. I believe that horses are dignity in itself, that they are kindness in itself, that they are nature in itself - and I believe that so many people underestimate them.
• I believe that the horse is often looked over, past its wise demeanor.
• I believe that many people could learn many things from horses.
• I believe that the relationship starts in the pasture.
• I believe that we should never shut out the world with music when with the horse, but the music is beneficial if used to calm and put yourself in the right mind frame.
• I believe that pauses should be frequent - for thoughts, for feeling, and for physical rest.
• I believe that you should know where your horse's feet are when you ask them to move, so that you can plan it to work out exactly right but that you should not expect them to do it exactly right.
• I believe that the slightest bit of movement in the direction you wish should be rewarded.
• I believe that we should see the horse past their use and into their soul.
• I believe that a horse's beauty, physical wise, will grow with time and the right movement and mental and emotional being. The more they are with the right person, the more beautiful they will become both inside and out. When with you,both you and the horse should be beautiful.
• I believe that the dance should not be subjected or limited to a circle, or a round pen, or a picadero,or an arena,but also that it should never be forced.
• I believe that the horse should always be touched kindly, even when giving him slight direction.
• I believe that if you are confident enough, you should start out riding the horse bridleless instead of with a halter or a bit. Make sure though that you have a safe enough place, that your horse is safe, and that you are safe - make sure that all of the elements are right before you do this or try this.
• I believe that horses should be free as possible, with the largest pastures as possible.
• I believe that trails are something of comfort for both you and the horse, whether near your home or far away.
• I believe that competition gets in the way of fun and partnership unless you are far enough in your partnership that it does not matter and both of you are confident.
• I believe that the rope should rarely be taut.

I believe many more things, but those shall come later. Maybe.

Right now, I am listening to a song called "I Cannot Settle Down" by Peter Bradley Adams. It is really beautiful... especially for my mood right now.

Speaking of songs, my soul song has grown. The typical sounds and words (they're jibberish words, but the "words" are the common sounds that I make) that I sing are not the only ones any more, there have been new ones coming up lately. The other day, I sang part of Hope's song. It had to do with a spark, wavering on the horizon. Coming closer slowly, but not close enough to call out to.

My ear buds for my iPod had finally proven worthless for their purpose today - I was writing furiously and so hoping to block out the classroom. I was completely in my story, and had my music up loud enough but not too loud so that others could hear it (another defect of my headphones).

The song is replaying now.

To continue the story of my ear buds, this girl started laughing - right as I was in the good part of my story! It was obvious (not just a hunch, but truly obvious) that she was laughing at me. I gave her a side glance and a humph, and attempted to continue writing. She continued laughing and cackling. I felt like smacking her in the face, I truly did. There are very few things that actually aggravate me, but someone interrupting my writing is one of them. They have ruined a perfect moment in time, two perfect moments really - the perfect moment in my world and the perfect moment in the character's world. How dare she? I did not realize the look I was giving her by this point until she wrote down on a piece of paper (we were in class) that I looked like I was going to kill her. My face that told her she was absolutely ridiculous and juvenile and that I was disgusted with her and would not even waste the energy to smack her anymore made her laugh even harder. The girl in front of me then also started laughing. Both of them, cackling away. Nick, the guy who sits in front of the girl who started all of it, turned around (he was also attempting to listen to his music through crappy ear buds, and he was drawing) and went "HA HA HA how funny, how funny." And his face just said this, purely and simple: "Shut up, you obnoxious b****es."  They shut up instantly, and I nodded my head at him. Two people trying to enjoy some quiet and peace of mind amongst the most obnoxious, juvenile, immature, cranky, self-less, whiny-laughed little girls. By the way, they started laughing again after that.

Anyway, to sum it up, I got new iPod ear buds. They are truly a joy. You can hear absolutely nothing behind them, and they have the best sound, and I am noticing instruments that I've never been able to hear before in some of my songs, especially the symphonies by Shostakovich.

I am writing a story... I do not wish to share it with you here, because it has nothing to do with horses. I love to write stories though, because the characters developing are often similar to me somehow, or similar to someone I know or someone that I would enjoy meeting. I never write plans for my stories - I usually start with one word or phrase that is stuck in my head and vwoosh - it takes off. Pretty soon I have a storyline. Right now, this is the most diligently I have written a story in a long time. I am rather enjoying it. It is quite exciting.

Today is grey and rainy. The horses are safe and warm in the barn. They are munching on their hay right now.

I have also been writing a lot of dyhlas lately - they're like descriptive (really long) paragraphs that tell a few moments in time... they're usually not moments that I actually experience, but that I picture myself in. I rather enjoy them. They are so beautiful. They allow me to go into a world that is similar to my own, but that is different from the present moment in time.

The song is replaying again.

After going up and revising what I wrote, the song has probably replayed a couple more times.

The horses are beautiful. There's a bit of a downer today - Rafik has been taken by Marissa. Although I am usually respectful and accepting towards traditional riders, this horse is so free spirited. He has a docile, caring  side to him in underneath his free, dancing spirit. Unfortunately ... the horses who have this spirit end up being ruined. They end up angry due to their free spirit and depressed because of their caring side being "disciplined". I do not wish to think how he may turn out. I wish that I could do something... But as of right now, I am not sure that I can.

This weekend, it's not going to rain. I'm going to play with Finale and Cherish.

I have been writing notes from my thoughts... Just starting with "I believe..." It just lets the things I believe, lets my philosophy with horses, come more apparent. I love it. I think I will write it here in the next post.

Pictures from the clinic over spring break will come soon.

Some of my greatest joys is to enjoy the moment that I live in now, to going to no where, and to sing to the horses. Of course, anything with horses is great, but singing to them is absolutely beautiful. It lets me fly without having to get in the exact right moment... All I have to do is get there about halfway and then the song allows me to go the rest of the way. I believe that it's not really the song - it's the fact that I believe that I will be able to get there when I sing. My voice is not necessarily the most beautiful, definitely nothing to do in front of people, but something that pleases both me and the horses. All three of the horses seem to love the times that I sing to them dearly... Going to no where includes ambling walks, trail rides in fields with no real place to go, car drives to no where, bike rides to no where... you get the gist. I love this. There is no goal, only a path, no time, only enjoyment of the moment. And enjoying the moment that I live in... that can be done at any time.

Smiles,
Kara

I have found, today, what... well, I hate to say it, but to cut it short, what my "problem" is.

I was walking past Cherish's stall, leading Finale, when it hit me: I wasn't thinking about my feelings anymore, so I had gotten less nervous. (I didn't know why before, but lately I've been regaining the habit of feeling nervousness) I have been thinking so consciously about my emotions lately hoping that the effect would be better consciousness of emotions. I already had great control and conscious awareness of my emotions, but I wished to better it- so I tried to force it.. Silly me, nothing ever works when it's forced, in fact, it tends to go in the opposite direction: down hill. The more I thought over things, the more I realized... holy cow, I'm not nervous AT ALL anymore. Which got me thinking back to the MBTI characteristics, on thinking and feeling. I had thought previously that I was more of thinking character, but was not absolutely positive so decided to abandon the whole mission. Whenever I think, it seems that whatever negative (if any) that I am thinking goes away. Lately the only negative thing left has been simply this: my nervousness. But the thing is, the habit of having nervous feelings is never just "nervous feelings", it is always caused by SOMETHING. I began to argue and debate with myself (as I often do) over whether or not I was feeling or thinking because I tend to be very in tune to the world around me, so how could I be that and be a thinker, who are typically NOT very in with the world... I'm mean, I'm so intuitive... and that's when it hit me. Intuitive. It's not feeling, it's intuitive nature, which is really not feeling at all. This would completely explain my in tune-ness to the world, my accurate feelings would be explained by closeness to self, etc etc. My feelings have become so clear recently, but only recently. Before then they were always a mix. My thinking side always brings me back to calm and sure - logic is so much more constant than emotions, which tend to be QUITE overwhelming if you do not know yourself and are a thinking person. Trust me, I have been in this situation before. I already know that I am absolutely an introvert, and that I am absolutely perceptive, so therefore I am what I first had the hunch of: an INTP.... but a very different one at that, because even though I have always been able to "figure things out" for me, or other people have, I have never really fit in a specific category because I have always been so much deeper than my peers and more close to myself and the world than most people. And right at this moment, as I was so deep inside of my thoughts, Finale ran up behind me pinning her ears, challenging my dominance, and in pure frustration at the interruption to my wonderful thought string, I turned halfway around and popped her in the nose. It was quick and sharp. I felt no disappointment at first, because I have gotten myself to the point of where I do not bring up random emotions while with the horses. She looked hurt. She looked confused. I rubbed the spot where I had popped her, but she did not want me to. She wanted no part of me. I have not lashed out at a horse for a couple years. And all of a sudden, for no reason at all, I did. But there was a reason. I just could not think about it until I apologized to her and let her out in the pasture.

I have been so pressuring myself to change, so pressuring myself to become softer, so pressuring myself to becoming closer and closer to myself so quickly, ( I have come closer to myself quickly before, but only on my own time, not on the world's time and the time that the thinking side of my mind demands I do it on) so pressuring myself to be more sensitive with my body language, so pressuring myself to be practically perfect.

With that final word of that paragraph, I have just shocked myself. For this was something that I did not even realize. I did not realize that I was forcing myself to be perfect. Because it is everything that I "preach" against. With that said, we may continue. Or I may continue. I may continue writing. And you may continue reading. If you wish, of course.

Even though most of the time people have blames for their horses, I was blaming absolutely everything on myself. To tell the truth- you should not blame at all. "To err is human, to blame is even more human." Ahh, but here they have missed a very essential word: unconscious. To err is of the unconscious human, to blame is even more the unconscious human. It is true, because a conscious human who is close to their self and lives realistically will not have either of these problems, or it will be even more scarce. Have I just admitted that I was an unconscious human? No, not really. I do not see things so black and white. I do believe, truly and fully, that I am a human on the road to higher consciousness.... but I am not quite there yet. I am on the road there. Now, some would tell me that I am "eating humble pie" but truly, I am not. Neither am I stuffing my face with medication that fills your head with crap, making you think that you are wonderful. But... nonetheless, I have been blaming myself. And I will make a conscious effort not to blame myself any longer, but to accept the day as it is and enjoy it as it is, even if it is not everything I had hoped. Because the more you accept and enjoy the day as it is, the less you spend expecting tomorrow to be something. Truly, tomorrows are nothing, because they never come. Have you ever heard somebody say that tomorrow they really enjoyed their coffee? No! Because tomorrows are never lived in, only todays.

So, here are my hopes for myself:

• That I will stop thinking about my emotions so much, and more feeling them without really worrying over whether or not they're perfect.
• That I will stop expecting myself to be perfect
• That I will stop blaming myself
• That I will let myself come closer to myself as it happens, not as I want it to
• That I will stop thinking and worrying so much over how far I have gotten with my horses, and more just enjoying the moment, as I did before hand.
• That I will let myself do things as I feel them done: that I will embrace spontaneity while playing and meditating with the horses so that things can happen exactly as they need to.
• That I will be as soft and sensitive as I hope to be in my body language.

But I am not limiting myself to, or forcing myself to, do any of these things. These are simply things that I hope for. And hopes are not at all "bad" as some people think them. They are real, without putting a time frame on anything.

There are many things that are "normal" in my life that would be absolutely phenomenal in another... and there are many things that would be "phenomenal" in another's life that is absolutely normal in mine. I often use words in opposite ways, interchanging them with each other as well. It is all quite simple really, but the two saying mean two different things.

Normal to me is absolutely beautiful. So what is normal? Normal would be a drop of water falling off a tree, a long winter, the feeling of the sun against your skin, a blue sky, a cloudy day, worn paint that is chipping... Anything that most people would not notice. Normal is what is average... So are our lives not completely normal? They are average to the individual- but what is average to one person is not necessarily average to another. When you start speaking of there being a "normal" amongst a large group of people, then it becomes sad... because you know that there are many who do not know themselves.

Phenomenal to me is normal. Why? Every moment, for me, is phenomenal. Anything less than phenomenal things would be a bad day for me because it is virtually impossible for me to not see something as phenomenal. There is always something I am proud of, always something I am thankful for, and always moments that I am supposedly "lost" in. To get lost in a moment, as long as you are speaking of being lost in yourself and the world to where you are completely here and real and authentically living, is beautiful. To get lost in life, so to speak, where you do not know yourself and are not familiar with the world, is sad.

I was just thinking this morning, visualizing myself trying to explain to a person what horses are for me. I asked  them, "Have you ever seen the movie Eragon?" They replied that they had, nodded, and got that little line in their forehead, wondering why on earth that related to the present conversation. I continued, "Horses are for me what dragons are for the boy... But instead of gaining their trust on their back, I must first gain their trust on the ground. They may run from me if they wish... Because I am not forcing them to stay. They are creatures far greater than anything I could ever reach, and creatures that are more full of freedom than any human I have ever met. For centuries, they have been beings and symbols of power and grace and strength. But no longer are they seen in such a way by many. They have been seen as creatures used for warfare, for power, and now for greed and luxury. A horse does not wish to be with a human because of the way that humans have betrayed them. A horse internally longs for a human to bond with, for some reason that we cannot explain. Humans, though, have been so destructive to their kind that they turn their heads away from us. I am here to gain the trust of the dragons with internal, soul-driven wings."

That is the way I can best explain what horses are for me.

"I have, after a time, finally found my true natural body language. Interesting... all it took was belief."
After setting this as my Facebook status, I was asked to elaborate on this topic. At first I thought it was a misuse of the word, silly me, as if the person were saying that it was excellent or something. After glancing at it again today, I realized what she had meant when she commented. Here, I will take the time to elaborate.

In January, I decided on something and started out on a quest. It all started with a dream, really, of a brilliant (literally, mentally brilliant) chestnut horse that was much taller in stature than I but still young. What I had with this horse, or what I had, more like it, was amazing. The funny thing was though- even though this horse was the star, there were other horses, one I specifically remember being a grey mare, that I had the same "thing" with. Although so far I did not exactly know what I was looking for... I was sure that it was right.

I knew that what I was looking for was no where to be found in Parelli-land. Although I do love Pat and Linda, they cannot provide all of the information that I need in the world. No, I was looking for something else. I began my search in other natural horsemen and horsewomen, at first not having much luck... I found many people who were just like or similar to Parelli or, on the other hand, were natural intimidators that I really did not wish to learn from. A friend told me that I must speak to Emily Larramore. Upon talking to her, she told me that I should go look at Klaus Hempfling, at which I did immediately. With lack of anything else to say, he was it, and I knew it immediately.

Unfortunately due to the fact that Klaus lives in Denmark, that airfare prices are through the roof, that horse plane-shipping costs must be insane, not to mention that it can be dangerous (after watching International Velvet at a young age, you're pretty much scarred for life on that subject), I'm fifteen years old, and don't have a job, it's virtually impossible for me to see this man in person any time soon. However - I set out knowing that nothing is impossible and that it really didn't matter whether I saw him or not, right? It would definitely be helpful if I could, but I can't, so why stop there? Why let anything discourage me?

I have spent the last few months on this path, now which I know a bit more clearly what it is composed of. In my mind, I have taken great strides and know that success is always around the corner. To tell the truth- the feeling of success is always there for me because every new moment is a win as long as I am striving for the dream.

There are plenty of things that I could speak about, but the purpose of this post is body language.

I tried and tried for days and weeks, no exaggeration included, to find some type of body language. I realized that I had some, but most of what should be there was nonexistent. It began with toes, finger pads, knuckles... the small things that most people wouldn't think about. Interestingly enough, I tend to start small like this, with supposedly "insignificant" things that other people wouldn't think about.

Most of the time, I was reading feedback from my horses to see what they were trying to tell me. I started looking for more in depth conversations that I usually would think to have with them. Interestingly enough, they were definitely there- everywhere! Along with this, I was coming extremely close to myself and as a result both Cherish and Finale lost all signs of trust problems. Unfortunately... now that the trust problems were gone, I had to figure out how to be more dominant without using Phase 4. It might sound funny to some people, but what I have found is that higher Phases actually hinder ability to become more dominant. Slowly, more dominant body language started showing up and I would think of things while playing with the dogs or playing out a fight scene in my head or interacting with another person or even just walking through the halls at school. There are so many things that none of us pay attention to.

Finally, a few days ago, I finally got it. I was walking Cherish out, and she kept yanking for grass. All of a sudden, my heart sang to me (for lack of anything else to say) and I was able to move in exactly the way I should, exactly where I should go, knowing where I needed to be and what to do. Cherish noticed and responded immediately and went wherever I asked her and followed me with the softest expression afterward. It was absolutely amazing. Since then, I have had that with me- not necessarily the feeling, but the body language. The feeling comes only when I truly wish for it to and when nothing - absolutely nothing - is blocking my way.

As for the belief part, truly- all it took from me was to strive for it and was to think of nothing but absolute perfection in knowing my self, in being with the horse in the moment, and in leaving everything stressful behind. All it took was for me to think that I could without any doubt in my head. And so the moment happened. And so it will be carried with me for a long time.

I know that I will continue to follow my path. My path of my dream.

Saturday and Sunday-

My mom, Julia and I audited a clinic in Wartrace. Even though we did not have our horses there, it was so much fun watching the other ladies and their horses. Most of what they were doing, I do in a slightly different way, but it was still fun to watch the way their horses reacted to different things, including obstacles, body language, their emotions, how much self presence they had, etc. I learned a lot about body language just from watching them and also noticed that a lot of the ladies would be expecting for something to happen... show slight body language in preparing for it, their horses would do it, and then they would tell them no, to go back and continue with what they were doing. It was interesting to see that they did not know they were signaling their horses to do things but that their horses new exactly what they were asking for! Their was also this adorable little town called Bell Buckle, where there was a cute little ice cream shop that had absolutely delicious coffee and chocolate chunk mint (I couldn't decide), a public restroom (I've never seen one before!) and lots of little shops where people sat in front of them chatting away. It was an absolutely gorgeous area, and I really hope to go back soon for play dates.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday-


I spent these days playing some, but mostly making realizations and learning boosts in short time sessions. I started playing with Cherish again and realized that I always thought too consciously of my emotions, self presence, and energy. The more I went by conscious thoughts, the more muddled my head became, and the less I went by information. My mom had told me one day, after I had explained to her exactly what to do and it worked, and after I had sent an email to someone that I thought was pretty good, she had paused... And then commented, "It's interesting that you can always give other people advice but that you don't know what to do for yourself." I thought over it for a bit (only a few minutes, really) before realizing that I've been thinking way too much. I have the idea of where I want to go, but I wasn't letting myself figure out how to get there because I was so busy studying on different natural horsemen. I rarely let other people's ideas get in the way of my own, but when it comes to horses I want to learn the most that I can. I was so worried about using my body language and everything correctly that I was using everything incorrectly. The less you think, the more you feel, and the better it gets. That night, after I had made that little realization, I went out to play with Cherish and she was absolutely wonderful. My body language flowed, my self presence and energy and emotions were perfect, and it all went very wonderfully. It lasted all of ten minutes.
I also realized that I am always trying so hard to use external joy and energy in order to get what I want with horses. I have been wondering lately why I can be so calm and quiet and clear everywhere else but why lately I have had more scattered feelings when with the horses. I was going completely against my natural self in trying to have this externally focused joy and energy, which was the complete opposite of me! I let myself have my natural internally focused joy and energy with the horses after this realization, and I was calm, quiet, and clear. I had only been pressuring myself to be this way with the horses thinking that I needed to improve something... When instead of improving myself, I need to improve my understanding of myself and my clarity of body language.

Thursday (today)-

My mom and I blew up the Equi-Spirit ball that I got for Christmas, FINALLY! It was so cute, and just perfect for me, both size wise and cover wise. Cover wise? What does she mean? Well, the cover is highlighter colored yellow and has a sweet little smiley face on it. Unfortunately none of the pictures that my mom took really caught the smiley face on the ball, but you can still see the color. We introduced it to all of the horses. Cherish was cool and confident- these past few days have been a complete makeover for her, and it's amazing how quickly she has found and become comfortable in herself. She has her ears up, eyes brightened, and her back is even more rounded now. I swear, after a few days, she has made a complete transformation. It was the same thing when I started playing with Finale. Absolutely wonderful. Anyway, after my blabbering on, I will show you the pictures. My mom only got pictures of me with Finale, but I will have to hand it to her, she did pretty good. She left halfway through, but it ended with Finale trotting towards it, slowing down, pushing it with her nose... and repeating the process. Cherish was only walking and pushing it a  bit, but I imagine soon they will be running all over the place with it.


Right when she walked in the arena, she walked up to it and snorted at it. She did not touch it at first. I had her following it around a bit, me just lightly pushing the yellow monster in front of us to make sure it would not lash out at random. This was the first time I asked her to touch it- where you can see that she is still a bit unsure about the whole ordeal. I cannot blame her, with such a giant... thing... it's bound to chase her around and eat her.

Here the stranger didn't seem so bad anymore, but it still wasn't completely accepted. She was definitely softer and open to becoming an acquaintance with him.

She began walking with it soon enough and was very intrigued by her new yellow friend. He was always smiling at her, so happily, and went exactly wherever she told him to! This one was so much better than Hope, it moved so much quicker and more exact to the spot. It also didn't squeal in protest!




So now you know my adventures for the week. Tomorrow, we are going to put up the hook things so that we can finally organize the tack room and I believe we are going to paint the bookshelves green. I am going to put sand on the pedestal top and paint the final coat so that we can then move it out to the playground that is every so slowly developing. I am going to go for a walk in the morning with my mom and possibly either Finale or Cherish will tag along with me. I hope to at least find and purchase some rope for the cordeo that I will be making. I hope to start some Liberty this week, but I may not get to it and if I don't, that's okay. My body language is my main focus, although not too much of a focus because I have learned that focusing on any one thing too much is not good. I will also be gymnasticizing Finale- because as you can see from the last picture, she needs it!

At some point or another, I would like to start riding Finale and Cherish on a regular basis. Before I do this, I want to have both of them fairly light with the halter and the cordeo and be doing at least five to ten minute Liberty sessions. I know that Cherish really enjoys being ridden, but with Finale, I will have to teach her everything. I don't think it will be too long of a process, based on the way that I teach them to be ridden. I know that it sounds like, sometimes, that I am very advanced, but truly I would not be looked at as "advanced" by most people because I am just in the starting stages of "restarting" the way I do things with my self, my body language, and slightly with the horses. I am a fairly beginning level, but it is beautiful nonetheless.

Here are all the things that I have accomplished within the last few weeks/couple of months.

Responsibility-
I take great responsibility now, not just in chores but in all of life. It actually really bothers me when other people do my chores and jobs because they usually do them wrong. I do enjoy doing small tasks, even though I know that they are not the main importance of the day. It all seems to be quite relative, responsibility coming along with everything else.

Realization-
I have truly realized who I am, all of the parts of me, what I need to do to be myself, and finally, just in the last couple of days, what I need to do to truly be with horses. I know that I have been with horses often before, but now I know which aspects I need to bring into my horsemanship the most. They are all things that I have experienced before, all things that I have felt were magical, but nothing that I actually had thought of integrating into my daily routine. Silly me, the best things should not be spared for every so often! I have learned more and more what my true dreams are and what I will be doing with my life. I know that I have many simple talents, but I only have one true passion- understanding horses, understanding myself, and understanding the world around me... and putting it all into mix to make every day beautiful and to be the best with horses that I can be. I know that many people do love their horses, but horses are my dream. Simple as that.
I have also realized that you have no choice but to follow your dream or else you will eventually lose yourself. You must do what you feel like, even if- and especially when- it is the most spontaneous thing. I am actually doing much better with the horses now that I am off of a specific program because I am trying more and more to do things as I choose and when I choose- but I just consciously made note of that today. I know that when with horses I will now be doing everything by my wonderful intuition that I have- and nothing by what I think I know. Knowing is nothing. Believing and seeing and living and dreaming... is everything. It all turns into trust, communication, leadership, and ultimate partnership.

Love and acceptance-
I have come to carry the mindset of love with me. I am completely accepting of all people. Before, I was not judgmental, but now I am completely acceptant- and there is a difference. Not just people, but animals, are all beautiful to me and I see the sun in all of them unless their souls are dead or gone. Dead souls are ugly, depressing, sad... and there are so many people who carry dead souls, who carry no souls. I still accept them, but I cannot bring myself to love them. You cannot love something that is not there...

Further look into the person, the horse, and the world-
The horse is an extremely deep and wise being. Even the most childish of them know and bear far more than humans do- bearing not negativity, but bearing beauty, pride, and grace. It is extremely depressing to see a horse that has been stripped of his soul, or rather, had his soul ripped from him... but thankfully, at our farm, I do not have to see those. The horse is more intuitive than any person I have ever met. They know more about the world than we do. They each have their own unique, but large, self presence if allowed to be free. They are independent, full of pride, and absolutely beautiful beings. They have a massive amount of energy flowing through them and a great, powerful ambiance surrounding them. If you know what to look for, you can feel it. Their dances are beautiful, even though I am still learning how to dance with them. Their songs are gorgeous. I sing their songs to them sometimes. Each horse has their own song- and each horse loves their own song the best. They also love mine, because I am free when I sing it.
The person is much more complex simply because of the world they have grown up in. They have all been taught to shy from themselves- the saddest thing. Very few people have a large self presence, very few people actually have much self at all. Many of them are blank, empty. Those who do have self presence or self tend to actually be outsiders, not because they are freaks but simply because they do not fit in with the rest of the blank faces. It is extremely disturbing to be around someone who has a self presence and ambiance of complete hate- I am around people like that every day. The energy coming off of them is terrifying, disturbing, and angering. I cannot believe that a person would be so manipulated in their child hood that they would be that screwed by the time they were in their teens. The human being has a self- what they are born with and who they are. A character- what they have developed into within the first few years of life. A personality- a mix of character, a bit of the self, and mostly habits and constant reactions. A self presence- how much of their self they show, how they show it, who they are, and how they live. Energy- what feedback emits off of them and goes into/fills them. Ambiance- the typical energy and feeling that surrounds them. Most people have damaged much of these things- all things that are very important to make up a person.
The world is much deeper than we think as well. The only way I can explain it as of right now is that there is a mass energy that flows through and of every single thing. When you tap into it, you can hear, feel, sense, see, etc everything much more clearly than you have ever been able to before and at much greater distances. When you tap into this you also live much more fully and have great peace. You have much greater focus- it is wonderful when working, meditating, and playing with horses. You have to be careful though because you can damage a small piece of it if negative energy or emotions are put into it while you are in this state. You can also lose it quite easily. I am still mastering holding it for a long period of time.

Material things and projects-
I have gotten at least a hundred pictures edited. I have read Klaus Hempfling's "Dancing with Horses" and am right now reading "It is not I who seeks the horse, The Horse Seeks Me." I got two 22' feather lines and have purchased very light and small ring and carabiners from Home Depot/Lowes. They make the rope even lighter and take a  bit of pressure off. I have created the design for my cordeo rope that I will craft for Finale- it is going to be blue and yellow and gold, with beads that have the pattern of this energy sun/flower on it. It will stand for completeness in dreams, peace, the energy of the world, and joy and be very beautiful. I cannot wait to get started on it. We went to look at a 2H BP Sundowner Sunlite 707 trailer (year 2007) and are taking my dad to look at it tomorrow. It is up to him, ultimately, whether or not we buy it because he is the one who is buying it so that I can then pay him off over time... but I believe that we will be bringing home a trailer tomorrow and if we aren't, that's okay too. We bought some hooks at both Home Depot, Lowes, and Target yesterday and this spring break (this weekend/next week/next weekend) we are ORGANIZING THE BARN. Yay! I love organization! I think we might also paint my room (my window wall the color of a light blue sky on a day with no clouds and the rest of them ivory- canvas style criss crossed texture painting), and paint the pedestal, and put pine straw in the front garden bed, and I might video tape my mom so that she can audition for her Level 2 On Line at least. My book, "What Horses Reveal" should come soon. Anything else?

Patience-
I have become extremely patient over the last couple of months. I do not tap my fingers, I do not get aggravated when waiting. It's okay for me to wait now, because I know that the things that matter the most will eventually follow through.

My Dream-
Horses. Simply, horses. More detailed, I want to be able to have such in tune body language that I can meet, work with, and continue to train a horse completely at Liberty. First, I would like to be able to do everything with the cordeo. Basically this is what that would take- extreme knowledge of myself, extreme intuition, and extremely good body language. I am ready for the challenge. This will be my life purpose, my life path, my life journey. Obviously I will have to find other things to do for money and such, but this will be the most important thing.
Another Dream-
Once I get to the point of the first dream, I would love to have my own beautiful farm set in a valley amongst the mountains and forests somewhere... And have people come, one at a time, for however long they need to.  They would come and stay to learn and/or to find themselves. I imagine that the people will come as I am ready for them.

And for now I must go and read my Klaus Hempfling book and get ready for bed.... Because it is not Friday and I do have school tomorrow. I may post on some of this stuff more tomorrow, continuing with more things that I have come to know within the last couple of months. If I don't, oh well. At least I know these things. Whether or not you know them doesn't hold much significance.

Every day that I play with Finale, I find at least two things to be proud of: one that I have done and one that she has done.

As I was playing with her today, I was trying to get my circles down. I know that it sounds silly that I've been playing with her for about four weeks and I still haven't gotten my circles down, but I am not just starting circles, I am perfecting them. "Perfecting them" was the idea that I had in mind when I started out today- because of my idea, everything was... very interesting to start out with.

The first circle that I made, her head was in the air, her back was hollow, she was pulling towards the barn when she got on its side and pushing towards the barn when she got further away from it. I watched her go in a couple circles like that, head up, ripping at grass every so often, going along stumbling and not looking where she was going. I began to do turns, thinking in my old point of view that it was only something to do with her emotions and she would get over it in a moment. After a couple of seconds, I mentally slapped myself for the thought and started to wonder... It's never the horse that has the problem, it's always the human who has a boat load. What were my problems, then? What was I doing wrong?

Suddenly all of the lessons that I have learned within the last couple of months came pouring over me, as they often do when I forget them, and so I tried a few things... I tilted my hips more towards just in front of her instead of at her shoulders/neck/face, turned my toes a bit more outward, rounded my spine just a bit, kept my "fishbowl" straight, straightened my shoulders instead of turning them toward her, loosening my knees and elbows, opening my hands on the string, and tipping my forward wrist just a bit outwards and my hind wrist just a bit toward the ground, put the Carrot Stick behind her but in neutral, and sighed. I then brought my energy closer, focused more on the circle and less on going forward and out, controlled it, brought my mental and emotional self together, brought my self presence together (which at this point was dabbled everywhere), closed my eyes and found my self, then opened them again to see a beautiful world. One thing was left- my seeking for perfection. I dropped all needs of having a perfect circle, I dropped all wants of collection, I dropped all wishes to have the string loose, I dropped all hopes of having her go around beautifully rounded in towards me, and allowed myself to be happy with the moment. By this point, which was probably only a few seconds, she had stopped from her frenzy and was looking at me quietly and questioningly. I smiled at her, tipped my right hip just a bit forward, let my arm extend a fraction and let one finger out a bit looser than the other. What can I say? She looked at me happily, as if to say, "There, I knew you would get it, you sillyhead... Now I am ready to be your partner, friend." with a playful but happy and loving look. She bunched her hindquarters together, readied herself with her shoulders, hips, and neck to turn, came up slightly off of her forehand, spun very slowly on her hindquarters, and floated off. I did this weird thing that some people do with their mouths where you turn the corners of your lips up and open them just slightly to show your teeth and let your eyes shine bright. It's called a smile, I practice this expression and reflection of happiness, peace, and beauty quite often. I went with her, using my body language just as slightly as she was. She was rounded, her neck strong and her back flat, her hindquarters in underneath her, her forehand moving out beautifully, her chin tucked just slightly... She did several of these circles before I tipped my inside hip back, tipped my outside shoulder toward her butt, and she came in to me with the brightest look on her face. She walked right up, I invited her in, and she put her head in my arms. These are the moments in life that make me want to both cry and sing at the same time.

We walked back to the barn as one- I let go of my need for perfection and my horse gave me the perfect, most beautiful moment.

I know that it is not a matter of when she is ready to do Liberty, for she can already do all of those things naturally. Our body language is so light and subtle when we're together and I have everything collected nicely that it would be quite possible. I know that the reason we are not doing more Liberty now is because of me- because I am not quite ready, because I still have moments where I lose focus or energy or self presence or grasp of self or the moment or my mental/emotional state or begin to think in terms of perfection again... And without every ingredient, it will not work. When I have it all though, what she will do for me is absolutely amazing and hearttaking. (instead of breathtaking) Once I get to the point of where I can keep all of these things all of the time when her, we will be able to do Liberty, I will be able to train her bridleless, and we will be wonderful together.

Cherish is not at this point because she takes longer to learn, longer to get comfortable, longer to trust, and longer to see me as a leader. I have also been focusing on Finale for these past few weeks. With my new mindset, I think that Cherish will do absolutely wonderful. I am really looking forward to an extra hour of sunlight- now I just need dryer ground. It's always something, and that is why you can't make excuses for the tiny faults but instead enjoy what you have and what is possible- and impossible.

Because nothing is impossible.

Today

Today, I walked through the fluorescent lighted halls with a bounce in my step and freedom singing in my head. I looked around at the other humans that have always bothered me without so much as a slight troubled thought or feeling in me. It felt as if the ClingWrap had been lifted and I was now allowed to breathe deeper and clearer than I ever had before in school. I found myself smiling and chuckling at this very thought several times throughout the day, that all it took was for me to simply decide that I was full of self and would not have any problems with compression because I would not allow it to happen anymore. Sometimes the things that seem like the hardest problems turn out to have the simplest answers. 

Several times I caught myself singing my soul to myself in class or in a hallway, just quietly. I assumed that only I could hear but caught a person or two looking with the wondering gaze, as if they have never heard anything like it before. I was doing this very thing during lunch when my friend asked me if I wished to speak to Mr. Jackson, the art teacher, today. She had showed him a sketch that I had done with pen and four kiddie crayons from a restaurant, and he had absolutely loved it. Being able to watch and listen to him talk about something that I truly love- art- was a great experience. The students all around were doing independent projects, some with music buds in their ear and some with none but still in a music listening state. They were all completely in their element, full of self presence, and lost in the moment. This was a beautiful thing for me to see, especially in school. I imagine myself being in this place for all three years to come, enjoying my self and being able to be completely in my element. There would be no greater gift than be able to both express myself and be in my self completely. The room was joyful, free.

Standing outside after school, I did not so much notice the people around me but instead enjoyed the air that was cool and crisp. The tree branches swayed just every so slightly. I felt as if I could see the grass begin to grow. The sky was that brilliant blue that can only come from pure, free, and clear days, the blue color that I am going to paint my window wall in my room. It was absolutely gorgeous outside. The drive home was beautiful as well, with that brilliant blue sky filling me all the way there.

My mom and I sat in the car for a while once we had gotten home, talking about many things, some simple and some important. We talk to each other often. Sometimes I think that we would have been better off as friends than as mother and daughter, but if she were my friend I would never be as close I am to her now. The blue sky still stood out above all, and green could be seen sprouting in the earth and the trees all around us. Spring is here.

I stepped into our living room knowing what I would do before we went to go and take care of the horses. I opened my laptop up and turned it on. The first thing that I saw when I had opened my desktop was the abstract painting I have in the center, a picture of Finale which switched to Cherish, a picture of Sarge, and a picture of something very simple but beautiful. The simple thing was something such as tree branches or tiny bells- something that most people would not take the time to see. I opened Google chrome and went directly to Amazon, already knowing that it had the book "The Horse Seeks Me" written by Klaus Hempfling. I looked for another 7 minutes for his book "What Horses Reveal" but did not find it. Instead of staying on the hunt, I postponed it and decided to go outside.

I tugged my boots on and ran through the muddy yard towards the barnyard, the barn, and the horses in the pasture. My mom was holding Sarge and Georgia just in front of the gate because Anna was being dropped off. She went up to let her in the house while I took Sarge and Georgia out to the barnyard. I crouched down and said, "Who wants to get the ball?" Sarge perked up his ears out like an airplane and titled his head to the right side. I then told him... "You will have to go through me!" He plopped his bottom down, looked straight ahead with a crease between his eyes as if he were troubled, looked back up at me, out past the gate, and up at me again. The crease vanished, and you could tell that he had come to his decision of what to do. He took his paw, placed it on my foot, and "mouphed". To understand what "mouphed" means, you must first know that my dog makes weird noises before he barks and will start out very quiet. The first step is a slight whine, the second is a louder wine, the third is a wine that turns into a "mouph" noise, the fourth is just the mouph, and the fifth is a mouph that turns into a bark. He rarely gets to the point of where he is barking as if he is demanding something. I laughed at his innocence and politeness and allowed them to pass- but just this once.

Playing with the dogs was a joy. Ruby and Sarge and Georgia all enjoyed the temperature (and so did I) and the beauty of the day. They were romping around and playing games with each other, all of which I was participating in. The more I played with the dogs, the more high energy I got, and the more I realized that I rarely get so excited and high energy when I am playing with the horses. Hmm... how interesting. Could it be that if I were more high energy and excited and playful about myself and the moment that the horse would be too? Most likely. Duh!

I bounced off to the pasture to try out my new theory with Cherish. She turned and walked up to me when I opened the gate, as did Finale. Hope lingered back a little bit, always preferring my mom to me. I did have to do a few backing and "out of my space" exercises before I was able to really do anything with either Cherish or Finale because they were crowding me. Once I got past that though, I was able to play with Cherish at Liberty... and before you know it, her ears are up, her eyes are bright, and she is asking me questions right and left and even rounding her back some... How interesting. Could it be? 

I stroked her for a bit and then left to go play with Finale with the halter and 12' line and Carrot Stick. I am usually using the 22' line with her now but for some reason didn't today. At first, she looked as if she had no interest at all in me. She was looking away, bored out of her mind, with her "I can't believe you're making me do this" face on. I grinned at her widely and continued on. After only a few minutes she had a very soft expression and was following me around and moving off of my body language for the most part with just a bit of help from my fingers (one finger... two fingers... three fingers.... four fingers... is my porcupine game) and the palm of my hand/front of my arm very lightly (I only softly touch them with the palm of my hand or arm for the driving game). After a few minutes more, this is where we got: 

I stepped up my pace more and more until we were both trotting exuberantly up the hill. One of her ears was forward and the other was turned towards me. Just to test her attention, I veered quickly to the left. She followed, quickly veering to the left. That one ear was always on me. While starting up the little hill, I decided to try something... After playing with turn on the forehand a bit, I was able to do this: Cock the left hip, bring the left shoulder slightly forward, and push my energy out to have her move her forehand and then cock the right hip, bring the right shoulder slightly forward, and push my energy out to have her move her hindquarters. Pretty soon we were doing something close to sideways with no fence, no help from the Carrot Stick, and no wiggling of the rope- straight line. This was her first time. Might I add that this was going sideways UP A HILL. How cool is that? After I asked her for a few steps each way, I asked her to come into me and she did very happily with her ears perked. We walked the rest of the way up the hill in tiny serpentines, stepping one leg almost over the opposite. (by crossing them, but not quite) After a bit more playing, I decided that it was about time I let her eat her grain and hoof supplements. Throughout this whole thing, I had been stroking her and telling her how good she was. Now was the time when she would really blow my mind. As we were trotting back, I experimented with my body position- tipping my upper body forward, keeping it centered, and tipping it backwards, then experimenting some with my crotch and my leg placement and my shoulder placement. What I ended up with, after a bit of experimentation, was two beautiful trots: a collected trot, with her neck and back rounded, and an extended collected trot, with her neck and back rounded and hindquarters being the power house with her legs moving out. Once we got closer to the gate, I let her have a rest by just slowing and enjoying myself and being with her. She rather enjoys both fast trots and slow walking.

I explained to my mom after playing with Finale about finding that one little defined line of self presence that you have to carry for every horse. Self presence is not only how you live in the moment, but really your state of self in the moment and a mix of your character, emotions, mental state (whether or not it is calm or flurried and scattered), and your self. Self presence is not who you are, but more how you present yourself to the world. The more open you are to the horse the more they will enjoy being with you, but at the same time you have to be softer for different horses and more of a leader for different horses, for some horses very independent and free and for others quite controlled, for some very hyper (never scattered hyper, a controlled and soft but high energy) and for others very very calm. For each horse, you have to find that fine line of where you need to be to have the most fun and most response and most respect and trust out of them. They will love being with you the more you love being with yourself and they will enjoy being with you the more you know how to speak their language, and the more you know how to speak to the individual horse. Speaking to them is definitely not just through body language- they are very intuitive creatures, so self presence and everything else inside of you is just as important.

After stroking and loving on Cherish for a bit while talking to my mom, we went for a walk together with our Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Ruby. The hill across from our house is actually called something like "The King's Mountain" or "Devil Mountain" or something along those lines. Well, we walked up that and I was feeling happy enough to run the last stretch of it. The top, as always, was absolutely beautiful- but especially because green was coming up everywhere. The horses ate their hay far below us and small cars passed every so often. We stood there for a bit, at the top, just enjoying the moment, before continuing on the pathway across the ridge. We came to another spot where the breeze was blowing in our faces, the sun was shining just perfectly on the world, the sky was its bright, bright blue and the whole world was just beautiful. We shared this for a moment before I began to talk about death- and how I hoped to die feeling that way. My mom agreed that that would be a good way to die, feeling in that way as we did on top of the hill with the breeze filling us and flowing around us. After a moment I began to talk about having loved ones die- and how so many people believe that some tomorrow in the distant future may be better, or that it will never get better. I began to talk about tomorrows, and how they continue to roll on towards you and never come because they have no definite time. They are forever tomorrow, but they never come. They are not logical. I talked about todays, and how so many people put off their lives for "another time" that never comes, and they look back so many years later only to realize that they have wasted so many years of their life waiting for it to become something better. And then I spoke of yesterdays, and how they are irrelevant to our todays other than they brought us to where we are now and how if we do not take care of today, we will then be looking at our yesterday in shame. I spoke of many things then- enjoying life and finding the time to do what you love and be who you are. Of being independent and loving the world, of growing up and of her being a mother and what she thought of it. There were many things that we spoke of, but I spoke more than she did. After our long talk, I went inside and sat with my dad, watching a crime show and spending time with him. I enjoy my time with him- you never know whether it will be quiet and restful or of important topics where loud voices are to be used at all times while you rant or debate. And finally, I went downstairs to see Anna and Kyle. I thought of many things while I sat at the table and did my World Geography project, but all things that brought peace of mind.

Goodnight world.

Today has just been one of those aggravating days where everything seems to go wrong even though not everything does and your brain feels fried... I have become slightly more aggravated over the past couple of weeks with crap that my friends complain about, school becoming more and more boring because I go so fast and everyone else goes so slow, being overloaded with projects that I have to do (for school and things for other people and things for myself), with having less and less time to enjoy myself, and with having some rain over the past week after it was so sunny. I know that I will get over this and that it will be fine, but I needed somewhere to complain... and it seems everyone is more than happy to dump their complaints on me but no one wants to listen to mine. (Jules, this is not at all pointed at you because what you talk about is actually legitimate and I know that you're getting better... it's other people.) I am seriously debating over whether or not I am going to home school next year. If I find out that home schoolers get the same amount of scholarships, then it's a go. If not, I'll have to look over the info some more.

On the brighter side, I'm getting closer to my dream [: I have everything that I'm going to do with the horses beginning to really sort out in my head but unfortunately to the time restrictions and the rain and school and projects and whatnot, I haven't had much time to actually use it! I will have to write some more on what I'm doing with them later.

Also, Cherish has started to develop some dominant habits. I'm serious- my timid RBI has finally started being LB, but not in a good way. I haven't played with her much all winter due to things such as the above, but I am going to put all of those to the side next week and the weeks after that. I've decided that none of those things are as near as important as my horses, and that if it's stressing me out so much I don't need to have it all to do at once. No more will I listen to my "friends" complain. No more will I let school bore me because I am writing a book on philosophy, my look on life, the human brain and mind and selves (etc), the horses inner workings (as far as I know about them), teenagers, society, how to be with your horse and how to be successful in life, etc etc. No more will I sit through lunch completely bored, but go to the library and get some of my book done. No more will I completely submerge myself in projects of all different kinds (unless they're school projects of course, then it's mandatory) and no longer will I read five different books at once. No longer will I say "the important things can wait until tomorrow" because tomorrows are always one day ahead of you- I want to use my todays instead, then I will actually live in the moment. And finally- no longer will I worry what I will do once I get to this point with the horses, because I will find it as it comes. It will come naturally, as it always does when I allow it to, and everything will be fine.

Writing this has considerably lowered my aggravation. I am now happy to be living in the moment. Thank you, for those of you who tolerated this post of aggravation and complaints and no longers. I think everyone needs to post something like this every so often, because not everything is sunshiney, is it? Well... most of it is, if you allow it to be.

Have fun today. [:

Please Watch-

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This is how I live almost every day, striving not for perfection, but for life, for enjoyment, and for my self.

What do you wish to be in life? What do you want most?

Nothing matters more than that.

Who are you? If you do not know, meet yourself today in knowing that you are beautiful and so is the world around you.

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You are free as long as you choose to be.

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Life is like a cup of coffee. Please, choose to savor the coffee- not the pretty cup.

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The rules of being human- fairly accurate, I would say.