For the past couple of days, I have just been enjoying my chores and little play time I have with the horses. Although we have not been very busy, it is COLD COLD COLD. There was the snow, and then there was the ice, and then the snow again... And now it finally started melting, but then it froze over again, and NOW it is frozen slush. Yum.

Nevertheless, I did get to play with the horses this morning a little bit, each of them being in their own Horsenality and me just directing their energy to my ideas and turning my ideas into their ideas. It was quite fun. With Cherish, I took her out with the hay and we walked slowly together and stopped whenever she seemed to be nervous (the ice seems to make her worry). When we reached the pasture, I dumped the hay in a couple large piles and stood with Cherish for a while, just stroking her. She rather enjoyed it and I was happily occupied myself until Hope and Finale began to whinny from the barn.

When I took Hope out, I noticed that she was very very pushy and all she wanted was the grass. I started playing with her and giving her a focus point by giving myself a focus point. Every time we got to the focus area, I would stop- and either let her eat grass, pause and move on, or play. She began to look to me for direction, wondering what we were going to do next... Acting like a partner. I soon took her back to the pasture because she had learned what I wanted to teach her and Finale was whinnying for me, demanding that I had taken enough time. I played with Finale less than the other two but I did play with her, getting her to pay more attention to me. She is so smart that it took her very little to begin to act like a partner and ask me questions and being soft, so her time was naturally the shortest. I had had to play with both Hope and Finale a little on allowing them to leave- they both wanted to rip their head out of the halter, which is very unusual for any of our horses.

It's almost time to go out and take care of the horses again....

Unfortunately I have been sick over the past few days, but nothing terrible. I will save you the details but will tell you that I haven't gotten to do anything (other than general care) with the horses.

The car tires sluggishly rolled down the driveway, signaling to my half open eyes that we were home. Even though I was so exhausted and my body insisted on coughing, the first thing I did was run out to the barn to see the horses. It turned out that we had to bring them in to their stalls anyway due to icky weather. I was very glad to see my girls and I would like to think that at least Cherish was glad to see me back too. 

Since then I have not done much other than seeing them and playing with them a little bit when I bring their hay out in the morning and bring them in at night for grain (sometimes letting them sleep in the barn and sometimes taking them back out). They are all doing wonderful other than... they're missing out on their play! To tell the truth, I'm not sure whether Finale misses it or not... But the other two seem to.

Alright, since it's the holidays, more specifically Christmas, I won't write a book today. Hey... I have a life too. My mom and I are watching House together. (Real productive, huh?)

I hope to watch the Level 3 Freestyle tomorrow. My mom and I are going to hunker down and have a little "Parelli and Popcorn" day.

I will be headed to a very dear friend's house on Friday. Mrs. Nancy and I have known each other since I was about five. I do not know her age- she must be somewhere in her late fifties or early sixties now? It does not matter. She is a wonderful woman and was actually one of the first to give me the gift of riding lessons. She is also who I was with when Cherish found me and when I found Cherish. She has done more for me than she knows, but she does not need to know everything. Anyway, I am very excited to be going and hope to teach her a bit of Natural horsemanship. We had lent her some DVDs last year and bought her a halter, 12' line, and Carrot Stick, but she still isn't understanding it. If she really wants to, I think that I will be able to help her with a mare she has right now that is giving her some difficulty. Jumper is probably a LBI, which I have inferred from the few times that I have met her (pre-Parelli) and what Mrs. Nancy has said about her.

Mrs. Nancy also breeds Trakehner horses with her husband Glenn. To see their website, go to http://www.dogwoodtracetrakehners.com  They have some beautiful and talented horses.

On Thursday I believe that Aubrey is going to come over again and I will teach her some more. Maybe I will test her knowledge on the Seven Games, show her all of what I can do with Cherish, and maybe start to play with some obstacles? It all depends upon how much time we have and what side of corral the horses woke up on. I suppose it also depends upon what side of the bed the humans woke up on...

We will see what the week brings us. I hope to play with Cherish a bit tomorrow but I may not be able to because Kyle has guitar and then Karate. Right now I must go to bed because I am exhausted, and no one should be reading anything this late anyway unless they're in a different time zone.

After taking a break from my homework, I found myself standing in front of the glass door. My mind wondered and debated on whether or not I should step foot into the darkness alone. Suddenly Sarge came running out of the darkness and barked at me once. He sat down as if he was not going anywhere, but simply waiting for me to join him. I smiled at him, because he had somehow come at the exact right time. My tennis shoes were shoved onto my feet and I leaped out the door to greet a dog that was jumping up and down off of all fours.Together we ran to the barn, towards the light. As we were approaching, I heard my mom close the gate to the pasture and let rope slip off of a horse's face. I hoped that Cherish was still in the barn, and when I turned the corner (now at a walk) her beautiful face was there through the bars. She did not look so proud as she had the other day, but no matter- she is still my angel pony. I will take her no matter how she is. Her ears were back, not flat, but in a tensed position. Her eyes stared forward into nothing without blinking and she barely moved except for her breaths. After I had been standing in front of the door for a few moments, she realized and recognized me. One ear went forward towards me while the other stayed in its original tensed position. I opened the door and she put her face near mine. I rubbed her neck and back all over, slowly and with care due to her current more right brain than usual state. It was when I stepped out of the stall again to get the halter and the wind hit my legs that I realized I had run out of the house and to the barn in shorts… While the temperature was somewhere around twenty to thirty degrees. I am no idiot, I just have my priorities straight.

I won't make it too long, as I have tried to several times and my computer has shut down or screwed up each time, but I want to write something about the past few days.

It has been cold, freezing, cold, and freezing. Every time I step outside the wind and cold tries to bite my fingers off!

I went to Julia's the other day and needless to say had an AMAZING time as I always do with her. I got to play with her wonderful little RB horse Casper, who seemed to me to be both Extrovert and Introvert. After I played with him for a bit, he calmed down a lot and seemed very comfortable and happy to be with me. I was overjoyed, and am going to email Julia all of the details on what I did as soon as possible since she asked for them. I am very happy to have Julia in my life, she's such an amazing friend and I couldn't ask for a better person to play with horses with. I noticed that she had improved on her fluidity a lot, so everyone should applaud her!

You can probably tell, if you've been reading my blog, I'm in a bit of a different mood right now... You might be thinking hyper, but if you knew me personally you would know better than to think that. Since I've hidden very little on here about myself anyway, I write like this because I feel so terrible right now. Don't feel sorry for me, we all have those moments.

I'll be right back with the Hot Chocolate, who wants some?

Goals

I have completed all of the goals that I have had for the past few weeks (I have not written all of them on here) so I believe it is time to set some new ones! I may not get them all completed this week because I have Finals Exams, and then I leave for Mrs. Nancy's house on Friday!! Woo!

Here's some things that I need to do or some goals.

In general:

• Watch Level 3 Freestyle.
• Watch Level 4 On Line and the VHS Level 3 if needed. (Yes, my Savvy has increased THAT MUCH with Cherish in the past month or so. I'm on an exponential learning curve!)
• Instead of playing with the horses when I'm REALLY stressed and upset, just go out and sit with them. Undemanding time is not at all bad.
• Start figuring out how to make a pedestal....
• Start researching natural hoof trimming.
• Watch the On Line and Freestyle patterns again.
• Make the jumps out of the materials we bought a year ago.
• Put portable fence across arena for Liberty

Cherish: 

In general:

• Get her to where she releases to the pressure of a toothpick and is confident and calm when doing so. The last vet visit was a nightmare... It didn't help that he was direct lined, forceful, and a taller man (she's afraid of men still) but...
• Put some cinnamon applesauce or maple syrup in a syringe and play with getting her to accept it. Continue playing the Friendly game with her mouth.
• Watch her feelings and Horsenality- fit her according to the moment, not just to the RBI. (I have been doing this very well but need to continue since she is mainly RBI but tends to switch to all four Horsenalities within one session and can switch VERY quickly.)
• Keep on my toes.

On Line:

• Play with leading her from different places- chin, ears, mane, forelock, hoof, tail, etc.
• Continue to improve Squeeze game, hopefully getting her to jump or step over barrels?
• Simple change of direction at Circling Game on the 22' line.
• Start the Figure Eight and Weaving patterns.
• Get a giant bouncy ball from Target or Wal-Mart and start playing with it... Bouncing it around her, setting it on her back, bouncing it on her back and over her, etc.

Liberty:

• Start playing Friendly Game more extremely with plastic bags and tarps.
• Get more creative with the Seven Games and go at faster paces. Treat her like she would be treated On Line, and if she needs to leave, the arena fence is the safety net.
• Continue working on slow spins
• Play all Seven Games
• Do figure eight at walk and trot.

Freestyle:

• Start riding with Carrot Stick
• Start using the patterns
• Maybe section off a flatter piece of the pasture with portable fencing for riding? The arena is really too small.

Hope:

On Line:

• Play extreme Friendly Game with her confidence up
• Start getting her to back up by her tail
• Get her to lead by her legs and solve puzzles by herself when she gets tangled in the rope
• Lead her by the ear, chin, forelock, etc
• Drive her from Zone 5 with the 22' line
• Sideways over log
• Put one foot on a pole

Freestyle:

• Work on my confidence- approach and retreat to this.

Finale:

• Play Touch It
• Do the Figure 8 patterns 
• Continue to play Sideways
• Start teaching Lateral Flexion from the ground
• Improve Squeeze Game to trotting and cantering over logs
• Improve Squeeze Game to walking through tight spaces
• Improve changes of direction on the Circling Game

For all three horses:

• Spend undemanding time

First off, the smell of a popcorn bag in the trash in absolutely disgusting, far from its wonderful smell and taste when it has just been opened.

Second is more relevant to this blog, of course having to do with horses.

I was rather disappointed in myself today. Cherish was very RBI and instead of standing with her like she needed, I bounced from thing to thing. I was not a good horsewoman today... I am afraid now though that I will put myself to shame. My shame is much heavier than most people's act of shaming themselves. My shame is an act of being disgusted with myself, putting myself down, closing myself up, and going too far introverted. I am going to steal someone else's phrase and say that I can be hurt fairly bad, but there are very few "cords" that are just right in order to really hurt me. One of the cords, a very sensitive one in fact, has to do with animals. Today it was specifically pressuring Cherish too much and not paying attention to what she needed, then treating Finale to the wrong horsenality as well.

Since I am so frustrated with myself, I've decided that this Friday feels more like a Monday. What's interesting is this Monday felt like a Friday and was probably one of the best Mondays ever. Do they HAVE to switch out?

It wasn't just horses that are putting me to shame. There are many other things that happened in the course of today, yesterday, and Wednesday that were leading up to this "downfall" of a mood. Oh well.

I'm going to go and read my books in underneath my shame blanket.

Today, I had the most amazing and inspiring day with Cherish. It was probably the best day yet! Lately, I have been saying this to my poor mother very often, who has to go through many moments of me blabbing my mouth off about the horses, until of course I get home and have the first moment to get to the horses. Some people, if they heard this, would wonder... "She talks?!" Yes, I am a big introvert, but that doesn't mean I don't like to speak if I know that I'll be listened to and I know what I'm talking about is important. My mom has gotten much better about being a good listener, and knows that if she shows the smallest sign of not listening, I won't speak anymore. It shuts me down quickly. It always has....

First I will give you the general overview of everything, and then I may get to the moments, but don't get too hopeful, because I have an awful lot to talk about.

I walked up to Cherish slowly with the 12' line on the halter and the 22' in my hand. She looked at me with both eyes, but when I entered she began to turn her head away. I had expected this so I already had my back to her, and she looked at me, comforted after that. I put on her halter but immediately switched to the 22' line, thinking that I might try something new... Hope and Finale came up to me as I stood there with Cherish for a moment, and I spoke to the three of them as if we were a trio of old friends out for a reunion tea.

I decided that instead of playing near the log like we usually do, we would go across the pasture and up the small hill. Cherish followed me up there, and we did a few smaller traveling Circles or Driving Games on the way there.

Since I can't remember the chronological order from here, I'll just tell you different things that happened.

I asked her forward into a trot for a circle, and she bucked and reared in place and shook her head. I was surprised at this unusual LB character of her, but decided that I would play with the horse that showed up... One, two, three, FOUR! She acted sincerely surprised that I had gone that far into my phases, and went into a nice little trot with her head bent towards me and with slack in the 22' line. She went around a good three or four times before I asked her to slow into a walk. She turned and asked me a question after that, and I asked her to come in to me with only a... Oh, what do you call it? You ask them forward with your finger, as you would a small child when you're playing a game and running around or something. Lower your head, raise your hand in front of your eyes, and "beckon" them with your fingers, I suppose?

We stepped over to the fence in connection, her in a slow trot and ears forward. I pointed to the fence and she came up to it, then looked at me in question. She touched the post for a moment, asking if that was what I wanted. I smiled at her and breathed out for a moment, and she relaxed as well. I began to ask her sideways with a slight movement of my stick and a slow, small up and down movement of the rope. She quickly walked all the way to the end of the 22' line and looked at me when she reached the end. I laughed at her and told her how brilliant she was, and she walked up to me with her ears forward. When she got to me, I played friendly and she went inside of herself again... But no matter, I only sat down when she didn't come out of it from me turning my back. She actually went pretty deep but not quite catatonic. I just sat there with her while she went introverted and stroked her chest and front legs. She eventually came out of her introversion and lowered her head and stuck her nose in my lap. I continued to stroke her neck before I started to stand.

I asked her forward with the flick of a finger and she jumped forward with a large play drive and did a small buck. When she landed from her small buck-jump, she pricked her ears forward and was trotting around doing a wonderful extended trot that I didn't know she could get out of her. She went around three or four laps of traveling trotting circles, and I again flicked my finger at her. She had her body turned into me and looked at me with both ears while she was still trotting, then shook her head, jumped forward, and went into a fast canter. I laughed at her exuberance and she shook her head happily along with my joyful laughter. Before she decided that was enough, I disengaged her with the tilt of my head and drew her forward by leaning forward a tad and bending my finger towards me like I had before. This was the best draw we had ever had- she did a fast extended trot toward me, stopped right in front of me when I raised my hands and blew out. Her neck stretched out as far as it possibly could slightly to the right of me as to not run into me and she shook it out. She blew out again, licked her lips, and rested her head in front of my belly. I put my heart in my hand and stroked her northern star on her forehead between her eyes, which were being caught perfectly in the setting sun and throwing an amber shine. I chuckled at her again and stood there for a while, both of us in sheer content.

My mom approached us, awarding me with light, smooth gloves that I found had a very quick release and also not too much grip and not too much slip. Even though I just got them today, I have decided that they are the best gloves I have ever had, for I have always hated gloves yet I can tolerate these. They are the smooth type of soft so that it keeps them warm but cool enough at the same time. Cherish stood in between the two of us with her head lowered. I sat down next to her and began to stroke her leg, and she looked at me before slowly turning her head back straight. One ear was toward me, and one ear was toward my mom.

As we walked back, she was completely with me. She had the happiest, most effortless look on her face. As we walked back, all I could think of was her and happiness. I don't know if happiness can be a thought... It's more of a warm rain that fills your head and your world and drips on everything around it. It can go forever if you want it to, like it's said to in parts of Ireland. I have never really been to Ireland, so I would not know, but I have heard that it rains a lot there. Even so, it's not good to always have rain. If we always had rain, everything would be so drenched. If we always had happiness, it would just be "normal", it would not feel good or bad. In having sadness or anger we have a contrast and know what true happiness is. This was the first time that we had been truly connected for the whole play session. We both had a great time, but it took great savvy on my part. Thankfully within the last three months or so my savvy has grown to the point of where I barely even have to think about it anymore- and if I do think about something, it's something that I'm making an improvement upon. Although we were really connected for the most part, I had been asking much more of her than I had before. There were a few moments where she went really inside of herself, and there were also a few times where she blew up on the Circling Game- the game that she is still the most unpredictable with. She was obviously lounged before, as she already knew how to go in circles but expected to only have to run and expected to be chased the whole time when I got her. It took her a while to realize what neutral was because she had never known it before! It was always either go hard or stop hard. She flipped Horsenalities several times, but went back to the "I will give you my all" RBI quickly each time because I adjusted to fit what she needed each time. She was extremely grateful for my "horsewoman" attitude. It was just amazing.

Every day that I am with her, it gets better, no matter if we do everything or nothing. Even though I love the other mares, Cherish will always be my special girl. I have no problem with picking favorites, because if I deny myself of my favorite I am simply putting myself in a mental strain. Some people might say that it's like picking favorite children, but I wouldn't know. Maybe they are right, maybe they are wrong... Haven't you notice that there is often a favorite or more preferred child of a certain parent though? People can't help picking favorites, it's in our nature. I do not pick favorites with trivial things such as colors, and I don't pick favorites with people because I just can't... But Cherish is undeniably my favorite horse of the three.

Cherish stood with me for a bit before I completely let her go. I realize more and more for how often I used way too much pressure with her, because really all she needs is a Phase 1 or 2. Any more and it feels like she's being pushed to the end of the world for her!

I stroked her before we both stepped away, and she again approached me after I had stopped to stroke the other two mares and gotten to the gate. I touched her face one time, in a gesture so soft you would think I was touching a slit of glass that someone's life depended upon. She breathed out and reached her face further into my space. I stroked her ear, turned and left. It was not the end, for we brought all three of the girls in for their grain and a bit of hay. I played traveling circles with Finale as we went to the barn, and she was quite extroverted. She calmed down  a bit and came more connected to me within a couple minutes. We walked into the barn quietly with each other.

I used to feel bad for the people who did not know the magic and wonder of horses... But now I realize that at that time, I was no where near knowing all of the magic they hold.

Before I actually get started on my post, I have a comment to make. I noticed today that in almost all of the pictures of people that live with horses in the northern area of the US where it gets much colder, blankets are seldom seen. However, you come to Tennessee and horses are being blanketed or put in the barn with the smallest amount of snow! Do horses in the north have more of a tolerance? I would think they're all horses, they all have the ability to grow coats.

The air bit at both of our hands and the dogs scampered about, not knowing whether to be happy for the cold or to run instinctively to keep warm. There was no evidence of prints left, for the ground was hard in the cold weather. I reached my hands further into my sleeves and created comfortable balls with my fingers to keep them warm. The moment I took my hands out of my jacket sleeves in order to open the silver gate opening to paradise, I shamed myself. All skin except for that wrapping around the knuckles and joints were snow white. My fingernails were obviously not those to sit in hot water or be brushed and manicured. There was no evidence of paint on them and no evidence that they had ever known paint, except for that from the aunt who forced it on. My hands were also rougher and more wrinkly than most hands of the same age and gender, due to the fact that I had horses. I looked back at the three beauties before calling to the dogs who at all scattered across the yard. With the sound of my voice, they came running to me and past, through the gate. Sarge turned to stop and look at me before running forward. I wondered what that brilliant dog might have been thinking in that moments pause. My shoulders shrugged for me, knowing that I would not find the definite answer in this lifetime. The pieces of grass raised above the frozen earth, triumphant but still not victorious. I looked about at all of the tiny pieces and wondered at how they tried no matter how hard it was to live there- that grass would grow between cracks of concrete, and how those pieces continued to live anywhere they could. They are the ultimate adapting life, besides the archaea bacteria, being able to live in all sorts of places. The Palmetto tree, South Carolina's state tree, is only a type of grass, a fact that is not known to many people. Therefore South Carolina doesn't really have a state tree, but instead a state grass. I always found that fact interesting. My head raised again from my moment of thought and my toes pushed forward against the earth to take a lift off. I watched Finale chasing Hope around, partially finding fun and partially demanding domination. My mom and I chuckled at the two and commented a bit, though the specific comments I do not remember. I fall more and more in love with each mare every day I see her. Recently, Hope has fallen back into the circle of trust, something I am very glad and relieved for. At a certain time, I was afraid that I would never speak to her again and that we would continue on in this way- me not trusting her, and her not trusting me. We are starting to build a bridge of trust and are reaching out to each other from the center, as the two sides do not quite reach to each other yet. I can tell that she is trying, that she wants me to love her, that she wants me to trust her, and that she wants to trust me... But we are both creatures that are for the concept of change but the change itself tends to be rather nerve wracking. There was a point in time where I loved her with a fierce passion, and I liked to think at that time that she cared for me just as much (although I do not know, because I did not know how to treat her the way she wanted to be treated). The horse is a magnificent creature born with great forgiveness, but the forgiveness sometimes recedes farther inside than it should have due to experiences. I think that Hope still has much forgiveness in her, from me ignoring her for so long. I only ignored her because I was afraid of her, and for these past few months I have been waiting and waiting for the moment, for I knew that it was coming soon. What "moment" you ask? The moment where I knew that I would be able to play with Hope now and ride Hope in the future without being fearful or having doubts or assumptions as to what will come of it. "We" as a unit are getting stronger finally, and it gives me great joy. I have realized so many times how perfect her name is. I grabbed the purple halter off of the rubber hook and strode out toward the pasture. All three were in waiting, but when I opened the gate Cherish was the first to come and rest her beautiful face near me. It was not for long though, Hope decided that she would push Cherish out of the way so that she may leave the pasture for her nightly grain first. In response to this dominance, and wanting to protect Cherish, I used a move that I had seen Pat use in the Level 3 Liberty section, but that could also be used very effectively for driving. I used slower phases as to give her warning- pick up the 12' line off the halter, reach it back, toss it to her. She jumped backwards, with eyes and nostrils wide. Her face was shocked at this new intriguing move that I had pulled, and all I had to do to send her away was use the point of a finger to my left. She shook her head and trotted in that direction, then turned to look at me. I let her wait and turned to Cherish, who at this point had become afraid of my rope-slinging and walked off to stand with her butt with me at the fence. I felt sorry for what I had done, I had obviously turned my good intention into a bad one... But maybe not so much. When I turned back to Hope, she was still asking me a question. I leaned down a bit and encouraged her forward, as she willingly did. I undid the safety knot in the purple halter and offered it to her, when she gladly slipped her face in. We trotted to the barn together, and then I asked her to navigate around a log. She did not jump it but instead went through the split part of a log, which was still a squeeze game as far as I was concerned. I rewarded her with my heart in my hand, something she seems to always take very gladly now. We walked to the barn together and played with her stall doorway a bit before I slipped her halter off. The sound of a horse eating grain was always one of my favorite, next to a horse eating grass, the nicker of a horse, the sigh of a horse, and the hoofbeats... of a horse. I stepped back out into the cold to see if Cherish was ready to come with me. My mom was in the pasture playing the friendly game with Finale who was standing quite comfortably. Even though Finale is innately LBE, she can flip to RBI if she is pushed to hard or uncomfortable with a situation. I stepped forward Cherish, but she turned her face away. I stepped back from Cherish and she slowly turned her face back, as if there was a CAUTION yellow tape that she was afraid to cross. I let my leg loosen and breathed out heavily, allowing my whole body to relax and my fingers to tingle when I let them loose. I had not realized how tight my fist had gotten, for I was trying so hard to keep them warm. With this large release of tension, Cherish stepped forward and blew out, one of the most pleasurable and favored sounds in the life of Kara Cumberton. At this point, I looked up to see a beautiful crescent moon that had a halo of light encircling it. The sky behind it was grey mixed with orange, and there were several stars already emerging from their sleep. Cherish softly touched the halter with her nose and then let her face fall slowly into it. I rubbed her neck softly before tying the halter. Once again, another breath out, this time in unison. This beautiful little girl captured my heart from day one, and has never lost it. Hope had captured my heart at day one, and lost it... But sometimes things that get weak come back stronger after a time. Finale touched me from day one, and captured my mom's heart from day one. 

Oh, these wonderful horses. I do not know what I would do without them.

No one may ever take my words from me except for myself, who seems to be succeeding quite well at it.

I have not written how I normally would in quite some time. I have been out with the horses, doing homework, and exercising so much that I have actually neglected one of my favorite things to do- writing. Photography has also been neglected lately, as EOC's and Final Exams come up.

The concept of a blog is to share your day, summarized, but why must it be summarized? I think it is best to share moments in great detail... But I have begun to contradict my own opinions about things.

I think I have been so busy worrying about what to do with my horse that I have neglected seeing the moments for the little things, something that is very important to me as a writer and in general. I am extremely disappointed in myself and will be resuming by noticing and seeing of the little things at this instant.

Now that I have gotten that out...

The gravel crunched in under neath her worn, rubber soled shoes. Her finger's nerves were magnetized for the moment, as they always are when she is either nervous or cold. She wrung out her hands and tossed the halter upward with a flick of her wrist, landing on her shoulder. She sighed and closed her eyes in the frigid air, focusing to breathe in for five seconds, hold for five seconds, and breathe out for five seconds. Without knowing why, she had become aware of this nervous feeling deep down. Her steps paused for a moment as her chin turned upwards, allowing her inflamed blue eyes to look off into the distance at the clarity of the trees against a grey winter sky. The wind ripped at her face, and she only laughed at it as if it were a fool with no power. It would be foolish to assume the wind could bring on no force, as she knew that it could. As of right now it was only a slight threat, but more of a teaser of its destructiveness. Continuing on, the small bay mare lifted her face over the gate and slowly stepped forward. The wind fingered her forelock, letting the hairs dance like string unwinding from a sweater adorned with memories. Her eyes blinked slowly, as if she was afraid to close them but then again afraid to open them for fear that the girl just in front of her would have vanished as all good things do in dreams. The girl felt her rubber soles touch the softer surface of grass and soggy earth. A series of short, soft breaths escaped from the nostrils of the horse, as if it were a slight laughter of content at the slow steps of her human. The other two horses stood near. The fiery chestnut threw her head up, her long forelock falling over her ear and her eye. The blaze traveled down the face, finally resting its chase at the muzzle. Her eyes opened wide and ears pricked forward for a moment, head held high. The girl relaxed for a moment before fingering at the gate latch, and in response the fiery mare lowered her head and blew out. Yet another creature, that of an interesting expression being both soft and dominant, playful and timid, looked forward again. The small trio of a herd all awaited the coming member of strange features that were no longer noticed as a bother or difference. A hoof stomped in impatience, for the girl was taking her time with the two snaps of the gait. She smiled at the complaint, knowing that she too was impatient to see them, the exact reason she forced herself to go slower. The peculiar child liked to give herself tests of strength or stamina in the mind, just as a horse might give her. Finally the latches were undone and she slipped through the opening that she allowed herself. She closed the gait again, closing the obnoxious ringing snap around a piece of the fence. The first to step forward was the one who always seemed first to her, the one with the northern star painted on her forehead and the two fingertips of white on the bottom of her top lip. The mare who was at first afraid to come to her, but now met her at the gait. The mare who was happy to embrace the different member of the herd with the neck, because for some reason the tall bodied seemed to get comfort from such a thing. The mare who was happy to gallop if the girl was happy to gallop... And the mare who knew her girl was happy to do anything as long as the mare was happy. The girl lifted her fingertips in the greeting she always uses, a gesture of kindness and of respect, of option but plea. The mare reached her face forward and gently touched the tips of her fingers with the velvet of her muzzle, the usual reaction to the usual greeting. A smile spread across the eyes of both mare and girl, and with that the worlds of both were gone.

That's a piece that I would normally write. I don't always write about horses, in fact I prefer not to because... I don't know, I don't want to get tired of the plots I guess. I also enjoy writing stories that are more metaphoric and artistic and can relate to whatever the individual person wishes for them to.

As I stepped out of the house and closed the door, the horses heard me and all three started walking to the gate. Cherish had her head up and was looking towards me as she was walking. I had my notebook in my hand and my jacket on over my t-shirt without being zipped. Once I came from behind the wall, the wind grabbed me before I could zip up my jacket. There were snow flurries reaching down from the expanse of white sky. I paused for a moment to watch them ever so softly land on the ground and disappear.

I grabbed the new 9 foot line that we got from Parelli and took the clip off, deciding to try something. I put it on my halter without the clip to see if that would be easier to ride in. I put my helmet on, telling myself that I didn't have to ride but that if I decided to I would be prepared. By the time I got to Cherish, I had already decided that I would never take the clip of again due to coil tension, which Pat was right about. Even though she put her head in the halter, Cherish was very right brain and inside of herself... So I just stood with her with my head down for a while. After a bit, I started to rub her shoulder. She began to blink. I stepped back and continued rubbing her, around her butt and kept the rope on her back. I slowly slid the rope down over her hindquarters and to her legs, then rubbed it up and down from there. When I added the slightest pressure, she turned to face me and I drew her toward me. From here, she just stood with her head low as did I. I walked her around a bit more, just stopping a lot in between to let her take some mental rests. We didn't go far from the other horses because she was so right brained, but I didn't mind. I took her halter off and she waited a moment before slowly walking away. Sometimes I swear that with her nature and her quietness, it's like she were walking on her tip toes all the time.

She continued to look at me, expecting me to go back and get her. Instead... I crouched down on the ground. After a bit, all three of the girls started looking at me wondering what I was still doing there. I had not moved and I knew that my breath was barely noticeable. Finale walked up to me and nudged my hand (my arm was resting across my knees). I reached up to stroke her neck, and she only made a slight movement away which I retreated for. She brought her head back even more interested and let me scratch her neck and rub her face.

I walked over and stroked Hope's neck, then began to walk towards the gate. Cherish began to quietly walk up behind me, as if whispering "thank you", "you waited", or something of the like. I reached my hand back in an offer and she put her nose in it. So that I would not startle her, I turned around slowly and left my arm in the same place, hanging in the air. She looked at me with a soft expression, and the wind began to howl. I shuddered due to the wind that went straight through my jacket. I touched her nose one last time, turned around and closed the gate. I murmured goodbye to the three of them, grabbed the cat from its place on the small hill, and continued on my way with a fluff ball cuddling in my arms. The key turned quickly in the slot of the tack room door. I set the cat down, then turned briskly again to face the cold. Back to the warmth I went, back through another door, into the house.

......I wonder if I got my notebook.

I took the camera out to the barn, hoping to get some good shots before it turned too dark. I took a few shots of flora on the way out there, which included laying belly down on the ground in order to get the right shot. I jokingly tell people that the only time I will ever be shooting an animal is when I have a camera in my hands. I'm hoping to learn more over the next year to where my pictures look more professional. After I completely doused my jacket in mud-perfume, I stepped through the gate and walked towards the picnic tables with our new halter and 12' line (The halter is blue, and although I was afraid of that color, I quite like it. It is going to be Finale's colorful halter, and then the 12' line is for me since mine was an off-brand and proved to have more tension and pop than it did release and give.) I grabbed my purple halter, not specifically thinking of getting Cherish, but instead just using my purple trademark. I walked out across the gravel and up the little hill, happily looking around me at the stormy sky. Once inside the gate, I waited for the first horse to come up to me and put their face in the halter- and surprisingly enough (but not so surprisingly after playing with her this morning) Hope was first. As I was playing with her, she started getting really in tune to me and asking me questions. I was being very particular about things, and I realized that she had some holes in her Yo-Yo game when I asked her to stop halfway over a small ditch.  It was especially bad when you weren't in her Zone 1 because she kept wanting to turn to place you in Zone 1. I got her to the point of where she was backing up starting with me in Zone 3 from a Phase 2, and she wasn’t turning to Phase me and going crooked! I thought this was pretty cool, because my mom has had problems backing her straight for a while now. Then her second yo, the come forward, was crooked as well... and we played with that until it was straight too. After doing this, I also got her to back by progressively pulling on her tail (with a little help from the Yo-Yo game). 


The next thing I noticed was that when she stepped on the rope, she didn't know how to get out of it. I started making them puzzles instead of problems, and then she realized that all she had to do was think and go Left Brain, rather than panic and go Right Brain. She licked her lips a lot tonight. 


When we walked up to the fence (as she was following me now) she started to do sideways like “Okay, yeah yeah, I’ve done this before.” Instead, I asked her to back up when I was in Zone 4 and her expression said “Whoa! I didn’t know you could do THAT when you came to the fence!" I stepped back and faced her, and waved my hand forward. She looked at me and proceeded to walk through the squeeze that I had set up for her. When I turned only my head to the right, she turned around and looked at me. She licked and chewed, licked and chewed. I started getting closer and closer, and she didn't panic as I have seen her do before! I even got her to stop in the middle of the squeeze, trot through the squeeze, walk through the squeeze s.....l.........o.......w..........l.......................y and quickly, etc. 


Throughout the whole play time, she kept looking at me like, “That isn’t what I expected.”  I also took her over to the log and she tried to just walk over it as if it was "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt". Instead, I started asking her to try more. Can you... step over it with one leg, then keep that leg on that side and then sideways off of the log? Can you try... Two hooves over the log, one fore and one hind, both from the same size and then back off? How about... Two hooves, both front, over the log, and then back just enough to have one hoof on top of the log? This is when it got really cool. She started asking questions when she approached the log like “Okay… Do you want me to do… This?!” She started doing all kinds of cool stuff with it and getting really creative like sidepass off of the log, going over it and backing up to it, then turning herself so that she was parallel to it and sideways toward it and put one hoof over it while parallel. The best part was it was ALL her idea!! All I had to do was encourage her and continue to reward her as she did all of this. 


When I took her out of the pasture, she started dive bombing for grass as I always see her doing with my mom. I realized that it was a very dominant behavior, so I started using the magical phases! I would warn her by starting out 45 degrees away from her hindquarters VERY softly. Then, I would get closer with phase two and a little bit harder as well. With three, I would be just behind her hindquarters and a little bit harder. For phase four, it was a matter of "tag the spot". If she moved, I would just hit the ground, but if she didn't move, she was going to be in the way of the moving Carrot Stick. It only took two times at phase four to get her to the point of every time, she was moving off of at least phase two, and I got a lot of phase ones too. She then offered traveling circles at a trot... I thought it was so cool, because it wasn’t right brain at all! She had her head lowered and she was breathing out, she had one ear towards me and her body was curved inward, not out. She was SOOO good.


We had  a really great time tonight. There's no way I can continue what I have been doing and not play with her... It was like.... She became a part of me.

"All because of you,
I believe in angels
Not the kind with wings,
No not the kind with halos,
The kind that bring you home
When home becomes a safe place.
All you have to do is shout it out."
-Rise Against "The Good Left Undone"

I was singing this today to the horses, over and over again. If you listen to the actual song, it's mostly hard rock. I was singing it very softly and with high notes, kind of whisper-singing. It's basically the opposite of how they sing it in the actual song, but I liked the words sung that way to the horses. I also changed "strange" to "safe" without meaning to and left out one line. It doesn't matter, that's how I want to sing it to my horses. They rather liked it. When I was singing it to Cherish she didn't like it at first, it almost seemed like it bothered her. As I went on, she just put her head down near my leg and closed her eyes, as if I would keep her safe. It was really sweet, and took me by surprise a little bit because she still tends to be slightly tense and defensive about having her face right next to you and low to the ground.

Finale had her ears pricked forward, listening to me. Tiny droplets fell lightly from the sky and were placed on the tips of her forelock, as if someone had specifically placed them there to be jewels. They twinkled in the grey light and made me chuckle a bit because they reminded me of stars. She blew out a bit and kept her eyes open, just staring at me as I sang and I looked back into her eyes. The world stopped for a moment and I could hear each rain droplet touching the earth, my hands, and her face around us. She reached forward and touched my hand and I got this feeling of contented love... but it was slightly different. I knew exactly what she meant, but not in words. If you were to ruin it and translate it to human words, she was saying thank you for giving her what she thought she would never had. Simple moments with humans. She let me see the world through her 'eyes' for a moment. Everything was so beautiful, and it was like... the heaviness had finally lifted from the world. From her world. She lowered her head and held it there next to me, then followed me when I took a step forward.

I have had a similar experiences with Hope and Cherish.

I walked out as it was getting dark to say hello to Hope. My extended family was here, all in the house, all extroverts who claimed to know me but do not know me at all. I opened the gate and walked up to Hope, talking to her on the way. She lowered her head and I think she knew that I was very stressed and hurting during this time of my life. I went over to her withers and lay my head on her side, just leaving it there. I let my fingers twittle with her mane. She turned around to face me and I looked into her brown-amber eyes as she looked into my blue-yellow ones. It seemed completely natural to me to feel what she felt. I will try to explain it with words, as if she were speaking to me... But it did not feel that way. It was different.
"You loved me, but did not understand me. When I was injured, you cried for me, you prayed for me. You were there as much as you could be. After a while, after you saw what I could do, with my powerful body and my fear-stricken self, you strayed from me. You stopped coming to see me in the barn, but instead would pass right by me. At one point, everything I felt around you was that you were nervous. You were terrified of me. I had not meant to scare you, I was only scared myself. You did not understand me, but you did not let go of me when you were given the chance. Why? You still love me, Kara. You know that you do, but you cannot bring yourself to face your fears. You leave me to your mom to take care of. You promised you would never leave me, but you have without leaving me." It was not out of anger, but a very soft, powerful, yet not forceful at all. It was the deepest feeling of rejection and devastation. "Now you never come to see me. You want nothing to do with me. Why? I did not mean to scare you. I know that you are afraid. It will be okay. I promise." When the moment was over, I broke down crying. I held her and told her that I would not let her go, that I would not ignore her anymore. I had forgotten about this moment until now. I suppose it has always been in the back of my mind, because I always feel guilty for leaving Hope... Today was the first time I have played with her in a long time, and at first she felt very distant. She felt aggravated. She did not want to be playing with me... But toward the end, as I sang to her, as I started to enjoy being with her and getting this feeling that I would continue to play with her from now on, that I would no longer leave her alone, she seemed so content, as if the world would be alright. She followed me to the gate afterwards and I stroked her face before I left. When I did, I got a powerful feeling of... reassurance.

One of the few times I got that feeling with Cherish was this.
I was sitting on the log, with her eating grass near me. I wasn't really thinking and I wasn't really "there". I wasn't completely zoned out either, but just in a state of content. Cherish came over, touched my shoe with her nose, and stepped away again. She had eyes of worry. When she had touched my shoe, I was thinking of what would ever happen to her if I were to die before she was, or if she ended up in the wrong hands somehow. My mind thinks really fast, so she was able to get all of this very quickly. She looked back at me again, from just a couple feet away. I started to cry. Once again, it was her thoughts... As if she was speaking to me, but there were no words. It was much stronger than words. She felt very sad and worried. She "spoke" about how she would feel devastated if any of those things were to happen. She felt very disheveled. What if you were to leave? What if I could not be with you? Then the fear about something new came up. What if she had to go back? What if she went to another place like the one she had come from? She could not go back there, I could not allow her to go back there, she said. I was surprised at the fuzzy details she gave me, mainly of feelings about fear of the men who were there. She repeated some of her feelings, scattered and all over the place. I reached forward without touching her, still looking into her eyes and promised, "I will not let them do that to you, you are safe. I will protect you even if I die." I still had tears rolling down my face. Cherish came up to me and stood next to me, with her head over the log. I let the tears roll down my face. She just held her head so close to my shoulder that I could almost feel her touching me.

Another time had been with both of them. I had been riding Cherish bridleless for one of the first few times and rode her over to the gate. Hope was over there, looking at us. I began to stroke Cherish, as I often do, and she reached back and touched my toe. I received a feeling of thanks. Hope walked over with a... stressed and sad feeling on her face. I stroked her forward, giving her feelings of reassurance and calm because I knew that that was what she needed. She lifted her head up, while I was still on Cherish and just lay her head in my lap. She just picked her head up and put it across my legs, in my lap, while I was sitting on Cherish's back. She proceeded to close her eyes. Not asleep, but just... with eyes closed fully.

I do not know what to think of all of this, other than to know that I believe it and that it is all real. I feel... unsure... about sharing this with people. I think it will be good to write it on here. I do not think that I am telepathic or an animal communicator, but I believe that you can gain a certain way of "speaking to horses". You're not really speaking, you're just communicating how they communicate- with things stronger than feelings and emotions. You would have to know what I am talking about. It doesn't happen to me very often, and I do not trigger it. The horses start speaking to me first.

My dear friend Aubrey just left. We had an amazing day today.

She has always liked horses, but has recently agreed to let me teach her some things with Parelli- starting out with the focus for safety, and then if she wants to progress at all allowing her to. Today was our first "lesson", "play time", "learning session"... whatever you wish to call it. The main point is, I hope that we will continue to do this for a long time.

We stood there slightly awkwardly in the cool weather. She looked like she was frozen but was too stubborn to go and get the heavier jacket that I had brought out specifically for her, because I know she gets cold. I have never really taught anything before and she had never really learned from a peer, I guess you could say. At first it was a little rough, but then I started to get the hang of it more. I explained things and their theories as I showed them to her. Later on, after we were done playing, we went and sat in the tack room. Yes, we sat in the tack room in the dark with no further intention to get up and go somewhere. She told me that I taught the way that she learned, which is really good. We seem to work together very well. I hope that the "lessons" will continue. I don't really like to call them lessons, but I'm teaching her and she's learning.

Right now she has just played with Finale a little bit. I noticed that she is very soft with the horses and wants them to want or make the decision to do things. I talked about Horsenalities, and I think she started to get that a little bit. I didn't really talk about what you do for the Horsenalities much though, other than retreat for the RB horses. I told her Cherish's story- as much as I knew from her "past life", and then everything we had gone through together and how she had not trusted me for so long. She watched us now with Cherish's rope on the ground, following me around and doing things for me with very simple cues. Since her face expressions were so blank today (Aubrey's) I am not sure if she was fascinated, completely determined to learn, or bored out of her mind.

We'll see, I guess. I had fun at least, I know that much.

As all of you know, I finished watching Level 3 Liberty today and On Line yesterday. Both of them were very good and I have learned a lot. I also looked at the Levels Assessment Checklist. It is interesting that the checklist seems more complicated than the material in the videos.

On my checklists, I am playing in Level 3 for On Line. My Level 2 is mostly very strong, but there are a few things where I have holes- Circling Game especially. Before I couldn't seem to get her into higher gates or keep her maintaining gaits for a longer period of time. I am also having some problems getting her to squeeze over the barrels because she is intimidated by their size compared to the size of her legs. I think that I will start out with something smaller and build her up until she is confident enough to jump the barrels. Within the past week I have learned how to fix all of these holes, so I will be doing this very soon. With the Level 3, there are some things that I just haven't tried yet. The rest of it is just that I need to continue refining everything- Level 3 is about refining and getting excellence. For the Freestyle I realized that I am Level 2, mainly because I haven't ridden with two Carrot sticks at all and then that I haven't ridden with one Carrot stick a lot. I just need to play with her- riding in Freestyle with the Carrot sticks- and I should be able to do a lot of the Level 3 Freestyle tasks. At Liberty, I am Level 2/3, mainly because I have just recently started this (and boo to the rain, it has decreased my ability to do Liberty because I can only do Liberty in the arena but it gets SO wet when it rains...) and haven't gotten past the Driving game. I hope to start excelling in Liberty now that I understand it better after watching some DVDs on it. In Finesse, I'm only Level 1 because I haven't started riding with a shortened or contact rein yet.

Cherish and I are at a point, even with On Line and Liberty, where we can learn things faster than we have been able to before. Now she is starting to be confident with me quicker and quicker each time I play with her and being more trusting faster in each play session too. It doesn't take much to remind her that she's okay and I'm okay (fine, a little insane, but insanity is good for our brains) and we're just going to have fun. I'm really, really starting to get all of the little saying that Parelli has and all of it is completely sinking into my brain. The psychology of the horse before only made sense to me when you were on the horse's back, but now it's really starting to make sense on the ground too. Cherish and I are going to start doing some more advanced Level 3 On Line this week, and continue playing in Liberty.

All of this technical writing is beginning to bore me. I'm writing this so that you know what I'm doing, but then I forget to go back later and write specific moments in details. This is what I enjoy the most- writing about small, specific details. I know, I know... It's also good to track my progress by writing the general stuff. Sigh.

I also watched the Live Celebration DVD again. I was brought to tears when they showed the RBIs on the video... The horse at the Wild Horse Chase especially. I actually let out a small whimper too. Anyone who knows me know that I do not cry save for things that really trigger just the right spot- I can watch movies where mothers lose their children all day long, but show me a horse that has given up on trying to fight for its life and the salt brims in my eyes. Ugh. Just terrible. The Thoroughbred was also especially bad- the one who flipped all the way over. I don't know if anyone's noticed this before, but afterward a man who looks like the owner gets on his cell phone. He looks really disappointed and angry.

These are the kinds of horses that I will probably end up having. I dream about purebred sport horses, which I am sure will trickle in every so often... But I'm not really truly interested in paying  a lot of money for those, I'm only interested in competing in the sport with a horse that I love and that is my partner. These horses though, the ones with pasts and no futures, the ones given up on, the ones sold because they are too "dangerous".... These will be the horses I end up getting a collection of. My "collection" will not be like the porcelain dolls that sit on shelves for twenty five years. My "collection" will be that of a small collection of stuffed animals owned by a young child. They are named, dotted on, taken everywhere, played with all the time, the kid shares their lunch with the stuffed animal (much to their mother's dismay), they nurture it, take care of it, want to give it band aids for rips and tears... I don't know if every child is like this, but I was like this for my very small selection of favorite stuffed animals. One of them is so dear to me that he is the last left- the rest have all been given to children who had no toys to cuddle. This old guy though... I just couldn't part with him. He's a puppet actually, but my dad gave him to me when I was probably one or two years old. He's a creamy colored (now grayed) English Bulldog. His nose his worn to wear the leather has rubbed off because I kissed him there too many times. One eye has a sag over it that comes halfway down over his eye. One ear is almost all the way off, sewn back on numerous times. His once white belly is gray and his once sleek fur is slightly matted.... But he is mine, and I love him. Yes, I still love my stuffed animal. (I'm sorry that I went off on stuffed animals when I was speaking about horses. It relates. Sort of.)

I've been waiting and waiting for this to happen though. I don't think you guys know how excited I am, and how amazed I am at everything that's happening with me and Cherish. I think about her all the time, as I'm sure many other people with horses do too. It's like this... we're sitting in Biology class, people are talking, the teacher is giving a lecture, we're finishing worksheets.... And BAM! I'm not there anymore, I'm with Cherish. We're standing in some creek, me laughing at her as she paws the water as if it were a solid surface and she's bridle less.... Or we're sitting in under that tree that I love so much, just sitting, without a care. There are dried yellow leaves above us with the little tulip poplar flowers. One floats down to just in front of my feet, and I nudge it ever so lightly with the end of my shoe. Cherish lowers her head and lets her whiskers brush against my arm. I turn my head over my shoulder to look at her eye, with the long black eyelashes. Her ears hold fuzz with a water droplet on the end of each hair. There is a slight drizzle out and a breeze, the temperature is chilly. The sky above is cloudy, the pine trees are accented by the gray. I love these kind of days, with the scents from all around blowing right into your personal space. It's just lovely..... Oh wait, that moment was fictional. [: It seems so real, I swear it was a memory for a minute there.

I better get to bed, I have tests tomorrow. Joy, tests.
"Test" is a word every teenager just LOVES to hear. I hope you know I've been sarcastic. Except for with the going to bed part. I really am going to sleep, because I am absolutely exhausted.

My mom and I stepped out into the chilly air. She muttered in distaste of the frost, while I smiled quietly to myself in joy. I love the late fall, winter, and early spring. You could say that the chilly weather tends to bring out the best in me. I stepped into my dad's muck boots. It was funny- it was like each foot had its own giant museum to go searching around in. I was falling all over the place, skipping through the puddles with those giant boots on (for an idea, I wear a size 7 in women's and he wears a size 10, 11, or 12 double wide in men's). The dogs romped about, enjoying the feeling of their paws sinking into the damp earth. This was the type of earth that was both forgiving and a backstabber- it would allow you to fall on soft ground but caused you to fall more often and easier because of the mud.

My mom helped me gather the hay up and we took it out to the horses, who were waiting by the fence. Cherish stood on the left side of the gate, surprisingly over by Finale. The two bay little girls both have such different personalities. Finale stood with her head up, over the fence, nickering at us and pawing the earth. Cherish stood behind her, almost hiding. She had her head positioned tensely, as if she wanted to put it low to hide behind Finale's butt but could not bring herself to do so because it was a vulnerable position. She sat with that empty look on her face in the mud, and I felt comfort in her quietness. Up the hay went, arcing over the fence. As it fell back over, a few pieces fell like snow onto the fence and stuck. I thought "What a pretty picture it would be to get the pieces of hay balancing on the fence like a circus lady on the tight rope or high wire (whichever you prefer to call it) and have a horse's muzzle in the background. As I walked to the right of the gate and threw another pile over, the little white star in the coming darkness followed. I watched her munch cautiously for a few moments, not really wanting to make eye contact with me. The gate chain clanged when I undid it and my mom slipped into the pasture with me to love on our girls.

I rubbed Hope's neck and down her blanket towards her hindquarters as I stepped around her. I whispered to her as I passed her back legs and then came back up a bit to rub her barrel- or the blanket at least. Cherish had raised her head to look at me at this point, and I stepped toward her slightly. She reached out he velvet nose, with hay dust still on the ends of her whiskers. I stepped forward again and offered for her to sniff my hand before I scratched her. She sniffed, then nuzzled... She rested her muzzle in the cup of my palm for a moment before going back to her hay. I smiled at this wonderful little horse, amazed once again at how I found her and brought her home. I smiled at the sound of her grinding the hay into tiny pieces, smiled at the strength feeling of her shoulders, smiled at the dew that was left on the end of each brown fuzz hair on her coat. She was going into winter very cute, with her fuzz sticking out straight everywhere as if someone had put her in a giant blow dryer. I was standing in Zone four now, rubbing in circles and pressing hard in certain places to make it feel like a massage. She turned her head back to look at me and blinked a few times. Her face was inquisitive, quiet, and slightly wondering about me. I whispered to her as I so often do, almost always an inaudible whisper. I whisper about all sorts of things- metaphors, writing, taking pictures, having pictures in my head without having them in a camera or on a computer, seeing her for the first time and telling her how I felt, talking about her pretty little hooves, speaking to her about what we're going to do today and what we will be able to do one day. Sometimes I ask her questions about her past, and she answers with a lick of the lips and her face at my shoulder, a very vulnerable place for a RBI. I wonder sometimes if they can actually understand what I'm speaking of... probably not, but we're only human. We don't know all the answers.

My mom is leaving due to the cold, and I would prefer not to be left outside in the dark. As I pass her I tousle her mane a bit, feeling each individual hair touch my fingers on each little ridge of my fingerprint. My sense of feel is very sensitive, and always has been. My sense of hearing is very sensitive and always has been. My sense of the world has always been very strong. My eyesight has always been "handicapped", but that's alright. Glasses and contacts aren't a hassle, they're just an everyday thing. It's necessary to see, therefore I will wear them.

I walked up to Finale, the last horse to say hello to. I walked up to her and she turned her head towards me, low and with her ears pricked. I greeted her with a sigh and a happy little whisper. She continued chewing immediately, and lowered her head once again. I walked toward her with the horseman's handshake and rubbed her whithers. She turned her head to sniff my back as I smelled her wonderful horsey smell. She had dew on every end of her fuzz as well, all tiny droplets being melted by the warmth of my hands. I brushed my hands over her again and again, just as a friendly game. I reached back farther and touched the top of her tail, lifted it and set it back down. The whole time she continued to eat with her leg cocked. Before departing I stood in her Zone 3 with my head low, leg cocked... resembling her stance as well as a human can. She looked at me again, blinking and ears pricked forward. I chuckled at her and whispered to her, then continued on my way out the gate. As I closed it I turned and looked at all three of our lovelies.

I have just finished watching Level 3 Liberty, and I watched Level 3 On Line last night. I have already started getting into Level 3 a bit, but want to dive into it more. I'm really excited about this now, because I've figured out why Cherish and I are still having challenges (things keeping us from becoming excellent, nothing big) and now what to do with those challenges. I've also been trying to read an article or at least something natural  a day. I will post more about it later, because right now I'm going to go and watch the Parelli Celebration DVD for fun while I ride the bike that NEVER GOES ANYWHERE which is quite aggravating... I have a bike that actually moves, but the problem is we have no where to ride it. The chains and gears are also broken, but...

Before I go on and on, I'm just going to say goodbye.

For the past few days, I haven't been doing much. I did read a lot though, and as I was reading the newest Savvy Times magazine I realized something: I don't have my neutral down very well, and that is why I still have troubles with the Circling Game. You see, I could easily move onto Level 3- except for the Circling Game! I have already started a bit of Level 3, but haven't been able to get very far because of this. What I really need to do is practice and improve my neutral, and my problems with the Circling Game will lessen dramatically. At first I thought it was my Driving Game, but my Driving Game works fine for everything else... It's just when I try to be neutral for a more extended amount of time, I have problems doing so.

Here's my goals for this week. If they run into the next week it's okay too, because that's a lot of material to find time to watch with EOC Exams coming up.

In general:

• Practice being more neutral in everything
• Look at the Level 2 Assessment and Level 3 Assessment Checklist again.
• Rewatch the Level 1 & 2 VHS tapes and then the old Level 1 DVD. 
• Watch and really focus on the Level 3 and 4 DVDs.
• Watch the On Line, Freestyle, Liberty, and Finesse patterns again.
• Take notes on everything.
• Read as much as possible.
• Laugh and talk to the horses as you play.

Cherish:

• Start doing more tasks and improving upon Liberty
• Start & consistently do On Line patterns
• Continue being particular, creative, and patient.
• Continue using softer and softer phases.
• Start riding with Carrot Stick consistently.
• Teach Cherish how to swing her neck to help me up onto her back.
• Driving game for hindquarter disengagement and moving of the forehands at Liberty.

Finale:

• A lot of Friendly. Finale is starting to show RB tendencies along with her LBE innate horsenality.
• Undemanding time. This will prove to her that we are her partners, not her predators.
• Don't be too goal oriented. This is when you push her away.
• Take her ideas and turn them into yours. She likes to feel smart, and she is very smart.
• Have her do little tasks. She likes to figure things out for her own.
• Know when to stop the play session.

Hope:

• Approach and retreat, not for her but for myself. I am still slightly nervous around her due to the past I had experienced with her.
• Play a lot of Friendly, not only for her but for myself.
• Start to be particular and creative, give her tasks to do with the obstacles if you get to that point.
• Maybe play with her with patterns if you get to that point.
• Do short sessions and end them on a good note, once again- not just for her but for myself.

For things besides horses:

• Get my homework done every night (this has been a problem in the past)
• Be more responsible (I tend to forget about things)
• Be careful about analyzing other people's emotions and using the wall of aggravation to defend myself. They're not necessarily angry at me, they may just be stressed. Don't automatically assume.
• Become more distant from those at school that only give you complaints and problems. They do nothing but hand out stress as if it was like free balloons...

I think those are good goals for the week. I don't necessarily have to finish them all this week.

One beat, two beats, three beats. I measure as we seem to reach for the jump in slow motion. My horse's hooves lift off of the ground with ease. We soar upwards in the air, going over a high jump. The nostrils are wide, the eyes are open fully, and my face is turned to the left as we come closer to the climax of the jump. Legs are tucked, hooves pointed perfectly straight in underneath. The neck stretches out, arched in its beauty. We turn in midair. One foot lands in the gray sand, and the next follows. Left hoof is forward, guaranteeing the correct lead. My face is forward, I smile wide. We both know exactly where we're going. My horse's ears are pricked, it's short mane bounces with its three beat stride. One beat, two beat, three beat, four beat, five beat, six beat, seven beat, eight beat. We reach the jump. Hooves lift off the ground, and yet again... We soar.

The liver chestnut races forward, against nothing but for both itself and me. Its mane is long and flows back, touching my hand. My other hand reaches back as it is supposed to but now strokes the leather tassels. My black shirt glitters with blue, and my black cowboy hat begins to fly back a bit. Suddenly, with only a slight cue, my horse comes to a long slide stop. It reminds me of a train going full speed ahead and desperately trying to stop before they get to the broken tracks, except for there is no stopping a locomotive. As we stop, horse's face is completely relaxed. We stand only for a moment before pivoting and cantering off again, this time heading for the arc. My hand still caresses the leather and my horse's coat shines in underneath. I break a smile for the world to see as my horse carries me strongly.

A little gray horse races in underneath me. We ride only in a halter and 12 foot line, and trees whip past us in view. The gallop is quick, but in slow motion as well. The gait is one of the smoothest I have ever felt. Its tail is carried as a flag behind me, and the flecks show well in the shadows of the trees. We navigate up a steep hill, and I lean forward to help. I grab his mane with my hands and hold on, while we fly up the hill. I hear several others just ahead, stopping at some type of water formation. The sweat from both the horse and I prove that we need the break, and that he deserves it. We both breathe hard, but happily.

The large, strong horse in underneath me feels as if he wears moon shoes instead of horseshoes. I imagine stroking his bleach blacked shoulder but continue the contact I have with the reins. We are moving nowhere but are moving- trot in place. The horse's tail does not swish, my face is not dismal. His face is alive, ears toward me, listening to my slight cues. His tail bounces from side to side and I flow along with him. Side to side, side to side my hips move, just slightly.

And finally... saving probably the best for last.

A teenage girl stretches across her small mare's back in the sun. There is no halter, no bridle, no saddle, no tack... The girl's feet rest on the bay shoulders, and she does not worry about whether or horse could leave. She knows that her mare will not leave. The eyes turn to face her and she nudges one foot with her nose playfully. The girl sits up a bit and reaches her hand forward for the mare to smell. Just a few minutes ago they were galloping across a field to nowhere in particular, not leaving or staying. They were lost in a dreamworld, both completely enthralled in the gallop. No person could take this moment from them, fingertips reaching to touch the velvet teddy bear nose. They looked at each other quizzically and with faces full of wonder. Why hadn't they found this before?

It's Really Finished This Time.

I got back from a hack out with my mom. She rode Hope and I rode Cherish, as usual. We had a grand time, and were trotting and walking all over the backfield. Every so often we would stop to let the horses have a bite of grass and for us to take a bit of time to chat. It was great, I wish we could do it more often. Unfortunately our fields have ground hog holes or something of the sort all over them right now and it’s not really safe to go faster than a trot… Sigh. Any who know me know I don’t mind going for a leisurely gallop.

As many know, the best time to think is when you are doing something that is completely boring- just like cleaning. To tell the truth, there is a completely fascinating element in cleaning, being that you can get a lot of thinking done and still get your cleaning done well. Any who know me know that one of my favorite things to do is think. I have decided today that I will make cleaning one of my favorite things because instead of thinking of it as a chore, I will simply think of it as a time to delve into my thought process. I will also try to do things before my mother tells me to, because whenever she tells me to do something I feel like I must defend myself. I do not know why. I've been thinking over that too...

Anyways, you're probably wondering by now what I am thinking about. I was thinking about the doom that lurks at the back of many horse girl's brains- moving on. Not "moving on" as in quitting horses, as in breaking up with boys, as in selling your horse. When I speak of "moving on" it is moving into another direction... towards college or whatever other kind of training you must go in to in order to go into the dreaded work force and away from your horses. Don't get me wrong, I love learning and I love the idea of being able to be specialized in something... But not just one thing. I imagine that I will never be able to hold out a single job for my whole life, that I will most likely have multiple jobs that I carry. Many people say that those who change jobs multiple times are the people who are unsuccessful, but I beg to differ. I think that the people who change their jobs a few times throughout their lives tend to be the happier and more excited on the spectrum and therefore the better workers. I'm not really thinking about college or jobs though- I'm thinking of what will be put on pause for college, and what I hope to get accomplished before then. This is where I want to see myself in the next two to four years:

I hope to have a small trailer and truck either of my own, or shared with my mom. This would be necessary to fulfill my dreams, to be able to do anything of this efficiently. 

I want to be able to go to state and multi-state horse shows. I have dreams of riding into grand arenas on a large, beautiful horse that has a completely happy and confident expression on its face. I want my horses to want and love what I help them excel in. The disciplines that I wish to excel in vary greatly, but really not that much- Hunter Jumper, Dressage, and Reining. I also want to be able to do Endurance and maybe a bit of lower level Cross Country. I have also been hoping to Drive horses and maybe a little bit of Barrel Racing just for fun. The first group is all Finesse- some people would mistake Hunter Jumper for Jumping, but it’s quite different. Hunter Jumpers usually has low jumps and is more about the form and cooperation of the horse and rider. The second group is more about Liberty, and the third is about Freestyle. These would all take different horses that would be suitable to go high into the levels of these and were specifically bred for that purpose or purposes.

I not only want to compete in these high level horse shows, but also travel to photograph them. I am hoping that by that time my photographs will have improved more and look more professional. For those of you thinking that my photographs aren’t anything special, the photographs I use on my blog either aren’t mine and are taken by friends or family, or I use the automatic setting for them because they are specifically for my blog, which I would never or rarely use otherwise. If you want to view a bit of my photography, go to this website: http://www.blindeyedphotography.tumblr.com

I also want to continue improving upon my art. I am forever improving with my drawing abilities, and am not the greatest but have definitely gotten much better. I am slowly being able to record things with my hands from my mind or real life more accurately than before. Proportions are still a bit of a problem, but as I watch the movement, proportions, and looks of people in everyday life I acquire more and more ability to draw. I’m not a bad drawer, I am actually pretty good (or so I’m told). I’m just a perfectionist and am pretty hard on myself when it comes to things that I wish to excel in. I don’t think it’s bad to be hard on yourself when it comes to things I want to excel in…. when you’re hard on yourself with normal things it can be destructive, but a little bit of pressure from yourself is good and can actually help you grow.

I want to continue designing buildings or fixing up house plans that are inefficient. I have gotten pretty good at this and some people are surprised when I tell them that I love to design things like this. I actually designed our barn, but that was a fairly simple task for me. For example, I went into Panera Bread the other day with my aunt and started moving my fingers lightly through the air. She looked up after a few minutes of my doing this and asked what I was doing for so long moving my fingers like that. I told her that I was revising the plans of Panera because I didn’t like the way they had put it together.

And… of course… I want to excel in my natural horsemanship skills. I’ve decided that I’m going to branch out a bit and gain knowledge not just from Parelli, but also from other natural horsemen… I’m hoping to get a Parelli Professional lesson, but that may not be possible right now. I’m going to start playing with all three of our horses instead of just Cherish so that I can gain more savvy arrows. I want to work towards auditioning for my levels and having set goals so that I can reach those levels. I know that I have a  lot to work toward, but I’m ready. I’m going to really start delving into this.

This is where the challenges show themselves. Even though we live on a wonderful farm and in a beautiful house, we don’t have a lot of extra money to throw around because we have spent it all on our house and barn, the fencing, the property, etc. We don’t have a truck that can pull a trailer or the trailer itself. We don’t have an arena or area on our farm to train in any of these disciplines, which is why the trailer would be necessary to travel to other barns. I don’t have any trainers to train me in these disciplines to get me to a level where I can compete. At the shows, I would need the necessary tack and dress. All of these require different wear and it would require me to have several different sets of tack as well. The saddle I use is more of a trail saddle- it would be fit only for trail riding and Endurance. The bridle I have right now rubs Cherish’s face and doesn’t fit her right so I never use it anyway. I’m hoping to get a Cradle Bridle for Christmas… but that’s no good for competing in either. The horses I used, if I wanted to really compete, would have to be of different breeds and different horsenalities. I could probably use an Arabian for most of these, but what do I do when it comes to Dressage and Hunter/Jumper? You don’t see too many Arabians really excelling in this. I know that most people pick a single discipline, but why should I have to pick and choose? Well… If I did have to for money reasons, the top on my list would be Hunter/Jumper, Dressage, and Reining… which I assume all are better with RBI horses, horses that I am more in tune with anyone. I prefer Right Brain Introverts… just look at my little mare, who is a Right Brain Introvert!

In order to get there, I'm going to have to get a job when I turn sixteen. I'm going to have to become more responsible and raise my grades. I'm going to have to be less of a procrastinator and more of a doer. Less disrespectful and more compliant. More involved in things relating to horses, even more so than I already am. I need to have opportunities to learn from multiple trainers who specialize in these subjects. Oh dear… I hope at least one discipline works out.

Most of all, I want the relationship with my horses… So one of the most important things is to take the time it takes, but also be progressive.

So… Here are my dream horses for certain disciplines:

Hunter Jumper: Arabian/Warmblood Cross, Anglo Arabian, Appendix, or Thoroughbred

Dressage: Arabian/Warmblood Cross, Anglo Arabian, Appendix, or Thoroughbred

Reining: Arabian

Endurance: Arabian

Lower level Cross Country: Any horse would work for this really, as long as they enjoyed it. In this I’m not really looking for performance, but more for purpose.

Driving: Finale, my Morgan, would be great for this. Since I wouldn’t be doing anything fancy with it, I could probably have Cherish as her team horse.

Barrel Racing: Arabian

You can probably tell by now that I’m a bit of an Arabian Freak. I also love Arabian Crosses, I almost think they tend to be prettier than the “new and improved” show Arabians that you see with the teeny tiny teacup noses.

Wish me luck with my dreams [: I’m sure they won’t all come true within the next two to four years, but it would be nice. I will fulfill them.

For the past few days, I haven't done a whole lot with Cherish but we've definitely had fun!

I think one day I slept for four hours straight after I got home from school... One day I just spent a lot of undemanding time... Yesterday I rode her... And today I rode her and then played with her a bit.

So yesterday... We started out with approach and retreat away from the other horses. She was a bit nervous leaving them at first, but after a while she got more and more confident to go further. I made sure not to go straight through any of her thresholds. At one point, we were trotting away from the horses again. This time her ears were perked forward, she was moving out into a really nice extended trot, and with bringing my energy up some she went into a nice canter and then a slow gallop. The whole time she was very happy. We were riding straight for the fence, and with just the lift of her reins she brought her butt in underneath her and slid for a few feet before stopping in front of the fence. I gave her a nice scratch and rub. She turned her face to touch my toes and licked her lips with the softest expression on her face. After that, I walked her out a bit to get her breathing rate down and then just sat on her, playing friendly. The whole time I had had my jacket tied (loosely) around my wrist in order to get her used to the sponges I one day hope to be using during Endurance rides... No, not really planning on any competing with a little Quarter Horse mix, but I think it would be fun. Why not?

Today I decided to ride her into the backfield. For some reason I was a bit nervous, something I haven't been for a long time. Instead of hopping on with my nerves, I decided to sit on the picnic table and play friendly. This brought both of our nerves down a little bit. Then I just drove her toward the gait a bit, and told myself that I didn't have to mount- I could just walk up the hill with her and that would be fine. Once we both became calm, I decided to hop on her. At first she didn't want to stand still when I got on, but I kept asking her to stand and getting off, then playing a bit of porcupine and driving. She was soon standing nicely, so I hopped up and just... waited. We started our way up the hill at a nice little trot. I had on my orange vest just in case there were hunters out, but I hadn't seen any. When I got to the top of the hill, I could see trucks off to the right and to the left. I saw a video clip in my head... 

Bang. Falling. Her body crumpling. Landing hard, hitting my chin on her neck with the fall. I hopped off quickly and stroked her neck. Her eyes were wide with fear, the whites showing. I looked onto her right side after checking over her left. A small hole was in her right shoulder. It was small, but matted with dark blood. The bullet must still be lodged in there. I screamed out in agony, in fear, in anger at the idiocy of the hunters. Nobody should be hunting out here, especially at this time. Nobody should be hunting on Thanksgiving. Nobody should be hunting this close. Nobody should shoot at anything with orange. But there was no time to be aggravated with the people, as my horse was breathing hard. Hopefully it had not hurt her lungs. Oh, no, don't let it hit her lungs. 

After I saw this, you could guess that I had her spinning around and cantering down the hill. She knew that I wanted to go faster, she was wishing to go faster as well with my energy up so high... but I held her back. There was no need to have her possibly fall in a hole or ditch by galloping down a hill over something that hadn't happened-yet. I had heard someone screaming to come back when I was spinning her around, but the voice just registered now. It was a shrill, desperate cry- "The hunters are out! Come back! You'll get shot!" To tell the truth, I wouldn't mind so much if I got shot. What I was worried about was Cherish. If she was shot, I don't know what I would do. If she died, I don't know what I would do. If I was shot, I would either die and it would be over or have a long healing process- no problem. 

When I got back to the barn, I hugged her neck. She breathed out heavily, feeling my relief. We were safe here. I took her into the arena slowly and played some friendly just to calm both of us down. Friendly tends to calm not only her down... but also me. Interesting how it works both ways. We played around a bit with the obstacles. The biggest thing was getting her to sideways over the pole.... and then back between a tight squeeze of barrels that were up with only seeing my finger wiggle. We had a bit of fun, and when it started to get dark I decided to put her in the barn. I could smell a storm coming, so I gave the horses some water and hay. All were well, so I turned the lights off, secured the gates... And walked up to the house. A beautiful cloudy sky was above me. Georgia sat behind the glass door, wagging her whole body for her lack of tail. Today, for Thanksgiving.... I decided to be most Thankful for my animals, and for all of the close calls that never got close enough to be destructive.