There are many things that I experience throughout the day, through listening, feeling, being open, hearing, seeing, etc (except for all in a much deeper manner) that I do not include on my blog simply because it is something very special to me and very close to my heart. The reason I say this now is because of what the deer said and opened to me as they were on the road - and as a reminder to everyone simply to be open to the world, or at least to the idea of the world having much more depth than you have originally believed or been informed about.
As we crossed the road and made our way to the path, I kept anticipating the beautiful and short feather grass that I had seen there a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, it was now all tall, but tall feather grass in my opinion is just as beautiful. Julia and I quietly made our way to the water-soaked area, where the tree line was. As we approached, I felt a presence there that I had only felt once before recently but could not remember where. There, sitting in the mud, was a little turtle friend. His similarity to the turtle that Aubrey and I had found and transported to a muddy area had made me smile.
The continuation of our walk led to my mom walking towards us with Finale. Finale's ears were pricked, head up, ready to let out a bugling trumpet noise at any moment. Her expression made me think of the horses in my dreams, with that comical humor of really alert and expressive emotion. I laughed at her as we made our way towards them, only quietly.
With help, my mom is becoming more and more open and joyful around the horses. Each time she becomes more open and more joyful, they become more open, more willing, and more expressive when around her. Where I previously would have secretly frowned upon her being with Finale, (for reasons of trying to reach such a balance and lightness and calm and openness with Finale that were not quite possible when she was around someone so stressed) I now enjoy seeing them together. I believe that, after camp, I may surprise her (my mom) with something, but we will see.
Most of what I learned and heard and felt and connected to during the listening day was very private and important to me, so I will not be sharing it on the internet or even with Julia. It was something that will change both my life and those lives who I meet in the upcoming years. It will open something that has been closed for a long time.
This goes back to something that Carolyn Resnick says that humans have a hard time connecting with horses because they do not truly know how to connect. While horses are fully open about absolutely everything, humans often hide things or conceal things from each other for the "safety", protection, or the convenience of their own mind. With horses, I always try to be completely open and upfront with everything that I am, think, feel, believe, picture, and do. I try not to hide anything from them, and when I first started doing that, it was a real struggle. Now, my openness to both horses and the world comes much more easily and continues to open more every day. I would encourage people to become really open with the world, with horses or any animal, but only with a few select people or even one person. You need to be able to not only trust that person, but also trust that they will understand and appreciate the fact of what you are telling them and that it is something very important to you.
In the evening, I was all ready to give my balance lesson to both of the girls. My excitement may or may not have transferred to them as I went through everything that I could possibly do.
I get a thrill off of teaching people when I feel that the lesson is actually helping, so this was my time to shine. I had hoped to actually give both of them a lesson on Listening previous to the Listening Day, but I had completely forgotten all of the creative ways I was going to do that before I had the chance. No matter - I think it's better to learn to listen by yourself than have someone trying to teach you. Both of them are sensitive, brilliant individuals who will learn how to listen one day.
I had Julia and my mom stand on the barrels, which were on their sides. They had a bit of a hard time at first, but each of them seemed to get more balance after a bit. I tried to get my mom to walk down the length of the poles, as I have done it before while poles are in the grass or in places with a lot of footing.... But with our flat dirt arena, the pole rolled out from under her and she fell straight on her side. She had actually been doing really well with her balance, which just proves to say that I should have been more cautious and thought about it. It would have at least helped if I had held her hand as she walked down the poles, then if they had begun to move she would be able to catch herself on me.
After that bit of a mishap, we went on to lay on barrels across our stomachs to try to gain balance that way. That one was a bit challenging at first, even for me, because your head so much outweighs your feet. You have to be able to find a place where you go into a very relaxed state, let your core sink to the ground, and let your feet and head levitate right about at the same place. It paid off though, because after that it seemed like I could stand even better.
Caution is something that I have had to learn to gain, in some places learning the lesson a little too well. I always try to have caution with horses, but by this I only mean knowing boundaries. If you are with horses and constantly wondering what could go wrong and how you should be doing it in order to keep you safe, you will make an unconfident person (you) and an unconfident horse.
After that bit of a mishap, we went on to lay on barrels across our stomachs to try to gain balance that way. That one was a bit challenging at first, even for me, because your head so much outweighs your feet. You have to be able to find a place where you go into a very relaxed state, let your core sink to the ground, and let your feet and head levitate right about at the same place. It paid off though, because after that it seemed like I could stand even better.
By having both of the girls try and use their core to find their balance and straighten their posture, even while being face down on top of a barrel, would have helped their balance upon the horse. Even when you are on your horse, you have to be able to let your core sink to the grown so that you can truly melt and mold into the horse's gait. If you are simply on top of the horse, no matter how fluid you try to become, you will never be truly "one with the horse" in movement if your core does not sink towards the earth.... towards where all of your energy is grounded and whole.
I began to flow with my movements, while standing. We were sitting there, "dancing" like some slight lunatics, but having all of the fun doing it. The air started to flow around my arms and the energy of the earth up my legs and the energy of my core down to the earth and connecting with all things. My mind flowed, busy thoughts were expelled from my head, and I was able to move without any tension or restraint. I demonstrated this for both my mom and Julia as an example of what you should truly look like and feel like all the time. I helped them find their flow while standing on the ground, only hoping that they would then be able to take their flow to the saddle. Both of them, while finding their flow, also let out much of their stress, distorted emotions, and contradicting feelings. In flowing in their movements and taking their core to the ground, they were also able to take their flow into their energy, mind, and heart.
I often find myself in a situation where I am easily able to lose my constant flow, in which I then have to go into a place that I am comfortable and be able to grasp it again. It is a great balance, being able to have flow within chaos and chaos within flow - in the sense that no flow is at all sensical and that there is always slight chaos in the world of humans. You have to be able to unlearn everything you have learned about movement.
Finally, it was time for them to get on. Both of them seemed slightly nervous and anticipative now that the thought was directly in their minds. Without truly being able to soothe them any further, but with trusting that they knew they could get off at any time, and should if it came to the point. (which I would tell them if they did not)
Julia was very tense in her upper back/shoulders, while my mom was more tense in her lower back/hips. I tried to get them both to flow with their horse fluidly without thinking too much of their actual fluidity. I had them do the "flow dance" upon their horses, and I also had them follow me a bit. I asked them to give their horses a purpose so that their horses would go into a flowing movement and that they would hopefully follow, along with following the purpose. Several times, each of them lost flow because of having to correct their horses in the way that they were moving.... so I took one horse's reins at a times, letting both of my mom and Julia be on the horse without worrying about where the horse was going long enough so that they could find their natural movements again.
By taking the reins, both of them lost the worry that kept them from being able to sink their core to the earth and find their natural movements. The more busy thoughts that we have in our heads, the less we are able to actually come to a higher consciousness, bring our core to the earth, and be smooth in both our emotions, body movements and language, and thoughts. Without being able to let go of the busy and distrustful worries of everyday life, you will not be able to "naturally move".
I turned around once to see Julia trotting Sharlie. My heart sank. Both of them looked slightly aggravated, and both very tense. I thought to myself then, "Sometimes it is better to be happy with the wonderful small things than get the things you want with little to back it up." Julia realized quickly that that was not what she had wanted. Both my mom and Julia went out of the arena shortly after that.
I went to get Finale, hoping to ride her. Even though she was distracted and I was slightly nervous, (not nervous about riding her directly - nervous because I was conflicting, knowing that I should not ride her but that I was going to anyway) I decided to ride anyway. (strike number one) When I got on, I hadn't done any playing with her on the ground. (strike number two) I decided that today, I did not want to take it slowly, so instead of using the weight aids and connection that I have been teaching her to be ridden with, I would just use the reins and my legs. (strike number three - and you're already out of the game.) After a bit, I decided that I would trot her some - so I squeezed her forward. (strike number four - I don't squeeze, I use weight aids) She rocketed forward, shocked by being squeezed between my legs, at a trot. She was going straight for the garden that my mom and I had spent hours and hours and days and weeks on. I yanked her head to the side (strike number five - never yank on the horse's head, and I try not to use the reins) and kicked her on the left side. (strike number six - never kick your horse, and I try not to even use my legs, so that was an utter failure) I landed above her withers and to the side, on her neck and shoulders as she did a rolling crow hop to the side. She was already scared, and didn't know why I was doing all of these things, and I was unbalancing her, about to make her fall. She rolled her neck one more time so that I just kind of slipped off. My leg flipped over her side, and I landed on my left hip. Once I fell off, she was apologetic and sorry, but she told me that I deserved it as well. I agreed with her, because I had made all the bad decisions. I don't take it personally if you're unbalancing, scaring, and mistreating a horse and they go just to get you off, just enough. It was not a disrespectful dump - it was simply a "That's enough now, I tried to tell you earlier, and now I can't stand straight." She stayed with me for a minute or two before walking a bit away. She knew that I wasn't in pain, but she continued to watch me out of her eye anyway. I sat there and began to cry.
I took Finale to the pasture, out in the corner, where no one would follow me. I begin to laugh and cry and smile all at the same time, because I had been so foolish and because I was now learning so much.... through both my thoughts and a certain connection. I will not tell that much of what I learn, because once again, like earlier that day, it was simply a private and independent connection and learning experience which only Finale and I had a right to know about fully.
I learn from every single setback, every single creature that I pass, and every single moment in the day. Everything is something to teach you - and if you accept every single thing, even the smallest, as your teacher, you will have an enriching life experience.
No comments:
Post a Comment