Fear that comes with the Fail

I knew that I was afraid to fail before, but I did not realize how much it actually affected me. The other day I had planned to ride Cherish in our new Cradle Bridle when it became a little bit warmer. I began to get nervous when I was grooming her in the stall while thinking about bridling her... And I wondered why. I was known to have extreme confidence issues before finding Parelli Natural Horsemanship, but it is something that never comes up anymore. I started to wonder if my confidence issues were coming back again, but proceeded to grab the bridle and put my helmet in front of the stall.

I stepped into the stall, watching how she turned her head away but continued in anyway. By doing this I invited myself into her stall as if I had invited myself into a neighbor's house without their permission. All of a sudden my nervous energy soared, so much that I was shaking. I continued to approach her with the bridle as my nervous energy continued to grow. I stopped thinking correctly, telling myself that I was being ridiculous and that I should just get the bridling over with because I would enjoy riding her afterward. Why was I acting like this? Why was my mind racing? Why was my heart beating so fast? The moment I noticed that my heart was beating heavily and quickly, I stopped. I noticed that Cherish's eyes had glazed over and that her ears were back and tensed, just as she used to be every time I came near her. This wrenched at my heart and I realized that I was doing the wrong thing, which I rarely do with her. I was surprised at myself because I am typically very careful around not only her but any horse that I am around. What made me continue? My determination to ride. My determination is so extreme that it used to get in the way a lot but hasn't for a long time.

Immediately realizing what I had done, I stepped out of the stall and sat down just outside it. I was not going to let myself ruin anything or scare her any longer. My nervousness went way down as I did the right thing. After some amount of time (I have never had any concept of time in my life, I would not be able to tell you how long I was there), she came up to me and put her head down near my lap. At this point I slowly stood (and almost tripped as I did so, reaching out and "catching" myself on air) to approach her, folding the Cradle Bridle and simply massaging it over her back. As I realized that I was going to respect her and do the right thing, all of my nervous energy, all of my fear, all of my negative reactions disappeared. I realized that I was not afraid of riding, that I was not afraid of how she would react to bridling, but that I was terrified of doing the wrong thing. I know that I can be quite destructive to Cherish's mind because she is so sensitive, and I was so nervous about doing the wrong thing! To find out that my fear of failure would affect me that much was really helpful, because now I know that I am even less likely to fail- it is not only negative for our relationship (which I value very highly) but also for me personally.